California I Am Almost Free

I'm back.

I've had Melissa's lyrics in my head for days. All summer, I sang along with these words-- in the car, at concerts, swimming:

California
I am almost free

I will find my love
I will know my peace
I will seek my truth
I am almost free
I am almost free...

Lots of people have asked how I am doing.
The answer is I'm exhausted. I'm so overtired it is not even funny.
I think being this tired skews my view of the world so maybe I shouldn't even answer.

Honestly, I'm sad. I'm sad my adventure and my vacation are over. And coming back is hard. Change is always hard.

San Jose holds lots of painful memories for me. I will never forget how lonely I was this past winter after my break-up with M. The enormous weight of that loneliness is still almost palpable now. It is like a ghost that haunts me. It is like remembering an elephant sitting on your chest, and just the thought of it is crushing. I never want to feel that way again.

Yet, here I am, sitting in an empty house typing on my blog, staring at the glow of a computer screen, silence all around me. It is a shock to my system. All summer I shared a room with Eagle Eyes. I had constant companionship. The past two weeks during my vacation I have rarely been alone. I've slept on sofas, even the hardwood floor of my brother-in-law's studio in Florida, but I almost never had a room of my own, a door to shut between me and the rest of the world.

Now I have my own room again, and for that I am grateful, but it is going to be an adjustment.

I am determined not to be sad. I am determined to be more social. I tell myself it will be different this time around. I'm a different me.

And I have lots to be grateful for. My dear friend L picked me up at the airport and took me out to a lovely lunch. I immediately felt better after chatting with her, as usual she cheered up my spirits immensely. And I got to see my angels-- my cats, Simon and Lindy, and their very dedicated, hardworking caretaker, Corvid. My cat Simon even seemed pleased to see me. Lindy, on the other hand, was none too sure about my intentions and preferred to hide.

I'm in limbo now. This week I plan to unpack, work on some writing, and try to get out and have some fun (yeah, what's that?). To this end I already have planned:

1. Breakfast with a friend and then a trip downtown with same friend Wednesday morning
2. Dinner in Monterey with a different friend on Thursday
3. A late shift at the emergency clinic with Slow Feet as the graveyard nurse Friday

It's not too shabby but I'm hoping to add a little more. I'd like to also get in some open water swims, a hike or two, and perhaps cook a meal with a friend. Next week will be even busier, so now is the time for me to settle in and go out. I'll keep you posted.

Oh yeah, I forget to mention that for the first time in several weeks I have a key chain. It has been awhile since I have carried keys with me. Feels odd.