Happy Holidays

Above: Me with RunningRoommate and her incredibly athletic and sweet border collie mix.

Joy and peace to the world. I didn't grow up celebrating Christmas, and I don't now, but I enjoy all the feelings of goodwill and holiday cheer that people have at this time of year. And yesterday I got to participate in a really neat tradition in the Quicksilver hills behind where I live-- the Quicksilver running club and other running clubs, including Women on the Run (who I joined), run up to the peak in Quicksilver park (about a four and a half mile run all uphill) and everyone brings a biodegradable Christmas ornament which they then hang at the peak. It was cold and raining on and off, so we only sang two Christmas carols and took a few photos, then ran back down to do a potluck breakfast at the bottom. The potluck had hot blueberry soup (I'd never had that before, it's a specialty from Sweden apparently, but it was delicious and warmed me right up) and all kinds of other goodies. I also sampled some Black Muscat, a desert wine that was made by the Jesuit priests who lived in the Quicksilver/Almaden hills decades ago. The label is no longer available (and hasn't been for over thirty years-- it says since 1888 on it though), so that was a very fitting treat (they also apparently had a wine named Angelica that was even better according to one of the old timers there).

My contribution to the ornaments were a variety of flour and salt cookie cut-outs that I made with one of the women from the running club the night before. We added dried beans, sprinkles and food coloring to make them pretty. Check out the blue foot and the cat just to the right of it!

I know I've been delinquent in blog posting, I'm in the process of moving in with RunningRoommate so life is busy, plus I'm working every single holiday so it might be a little while but I'll post a synopsis of the last few weeks and a whole bunch of photos when I catch up.

Next Wednesday December 17th

Next Wednesday will be the first night in two weeks that I am not either studying for or taking an exam. To celebrate I can pick from the following social gatherings occurring that night:

1. Lesbian speed dating event in San Francisco
2. Holiday party at a private house on the peninsula by Peninsula Women's Group (ie lesbians)
3. A dinner at Blowfish at Santana row in San Jose with co-workers including several very sweet and funny gay men, Slow Feet and MonkeyButt.

And I will be at.... yes, you guessed correctly if you guessed an Orthodox Jewish wedding. Actually I am very much looking forward to it but do somewhat regret that it coincides with the other three events.

And on Thursday Dec 18th I had to choose between a lesbian party thrown by Curves in San Francisco and my company's holiday party. I chose the emergency hospital holiday party, which consists of a dinner followed by a night of improv at a comedy club in downtown San Jose.

That makes two nights in a row that I chose to not participate in the events of the queer community. Sigh. I chose my friends instead. And they happen to be straight.

C'est la vie.

My Niece's Name is Talia

Which means gentle dew drops from heaven in Hebrew. And it also has a Greek origin, meaning flowering or blossoming or blossoming flower.

And Talia also already has a Chinese nickname, Yua, a derivative of happiness.

I'm thrilled my sister and her husband picked such a beautiful name.

I'm An Aunt!

My little sister had her baby yesterday. Amazing! Above is my sister with her newborn daughter. Below is my niece :)

Let The Fun And Games Begin

Two weeks from today I will be free. Done with finals. I can barely wait.

In the meantime, I'm owned by my books.

However, that does not mean I will not have some fun. I'm going to see the South bay opening of MILK on Friday and have some runs planned over the weekend, the standing date with the farmer's market on Sunday (last week I checked out Campbell's farmer's market and got some sage and cheddar goat cheese for when I finish my current slab of garlic goat cheese).

I haven't been getting enough sleep lately. Four days of back to back shifts at the emergency clinic kicked my butt over Thanksgiving so I actually returned to school more tired than when I left. Nice.

Above is a photo of me with QuietSuperstar nurse at Dr Cool's party. After this photo was taken I then went straight to my graveyard shift. November was a long month...

Thrift Store Heaven: I'm A Used Bargain Hunter

There is a thrift store around the corner from Dr Cool's place that I stopped in one day after a run and found to be a treasure trove of bargains. It is the nicest thrift store that I have ever been in with the nicest staff.

Today and tomorrow they are having a 50% off sale which I have long anticipated. I got lots of kids' clothes for the many kids in my life thanks to my friends and family suddenly all deciding to reproduce at once. It's nice. I enjoy buying kids' clothes immensely but have none of the other responsibilities associated with child rearing.

When I walked into the store at ten minutes to opening this morning (hey, the door was wide open and the sign said open so what if I was a few minutes early?) there was this beautiful suit on the to-be-re-hung-after-trying-on rack. 6 petite. My size exactly. Jones New York (brand name). Black with pink stripes. Brand spanking new. Tags still on. $300 at Macy's. $50 at the thrift store, but wait, with the half price sale make that $25. I tried it on and it fit perfectly. This might be the best deal yet that I have gotten at a thrift store. Heaven.

My mom is a born bargain hunter. The day after Thanksgiving shopping was as sacred growing up as a religious holiday. We began early and went all day. While my mom always shops on sale, and does a darn good job of it, I am a whole new generation of bargain hunter. I am a used bargain hunter. I restrict my shopping solely to thrift stores. And thrift store sales are the pinnacle of bargain hunting achievement for me.

In fact, now that this day's shopping is over, the next big event on my horizon is the half price sale coming up in mid-December at my favorite thrift store in Menlo Park. Luckily, that's not too far off.

Food, Food, Food: More Farmers' Market Goodies and Veggie Stew Take 2

Top to bottom:

1. third pot of veggie stew with beans (kidney, black and pinto, the only stuff in it from a can)
   
2. no, not a salad but stuff for the third pot of veggie stew (I use everything-- the stalks from the Swiss chard, etc, plus all the red stuff is hot peppers, I like it spicy!)
3. the potatoes and carrots have to cook extra long, second pot veggie stew
4. all three pots of veggie stew combined in a gigantic bowl (the first pot was cauliflower and onion)
5. last week the artichoke farmer offered me a 12 pound butternut squash for $5-- mmmm! and the week before that I treated myself to a trip to the Mountain View farmers' market, where I got a rare yellow cauliflower (apparently worth its weight in gold as it cost $4 for 2 pounds!). I already ate the cauliflower (cooked in the oven till tender) but I am planning not to bake all the butternut squash but instead try my hand at butternut squash soup, which I hear is quite forgiving and so doesn't sound too difficult
   

All Work And No Play Makes For A Long Day

Well, not exactly though it rhymes.

Yesterday I came home from school, took a nap, did some research, then went to Dr. Cool's party until midnight.

From midnight till 9 am I was at work doing my first solo graveyard shift.

Then I finished up my research (it couldn't wait as the project is a collaboration and my teammates need my part of it now, as in yesterday).

Now I think it is time for another nap.

More details and pictures soon.

My Anonymous Quiz And Other Tidbits From The Peanut Gallery

So today in genetics we got back our quizzes. The one on top of the pile was mine. It had my handwriting, my paper, but no name. Date-- yes. Quiz number and title-- yes. But no name, just a bunch of question marks in the professor's red ink where the name should have been. Oh yeah, and a perfect score.

I brought it up to the instructor and told her it was mine. She recognized the handwriting and believed me. She said she and her husband had been laughing at breakfast about how someone could get a perfect score and then forget their name. Yes, that's me. Space cadet.

In other news from school, FYI, shark kidneys are not retroperitoneal. They also don't look a think like mammalian kidneys. Oh yeah, and on that same shark dissection, I confused the ileum with the rectal gland. Oops again. Note to self-- shark intestines do not look like mammalian intestines either. Oh well.

How Do You Know When Something Interesting Is Going On Outside Your Window?

The cats are glued to the window! (Lindy on left with marbled coat, Simon on right with spots).

Ouch

My genetics exam this morning was not pretty. Not as bad as the notorious quantum exam of oh so many years ago whose questions I could not even decipher, but not pretty nonetheless (so glad you remember that exam too, Poc Poc). Lots of nit picky details, like 5-bromouracil is a base analog for thyamine, what base does it incorrectly pair to (not adenine, but is it guanine or cytosine?). There are too many mechanisms for mutations for me to memorize them all, and it is not a high priority since it is not clinically relevant information, like physiology.

I had been up since 5 am this morning, so when I got back from my exam I ran some errands and then took a nap since I knew I would be at work till late tonight. In fact, if I hadn't slept I would have gone 22 hours without sleeping at this point. Which has never been a problem for me in the past, but I'm trying to be more careful with that lately. Kind of crimps my style, but healthy is worth it.

Then it was off to zoology (thank goodness for that class, makes me feel smart), from there straight to work.

Work was strange. I was the most experienced technician on the shift, and the only licensed one (maybe not the most experienced in everything, but in anesthesia and lab yes). I'm still not used to that. It kind of freaks me out to have no one above me to go to except the doctors, and often they don't know nursing stuff like how to get the suction in surgery to work or how to get the capnograph to display readings... I think I like being a small fish in a big pond way better than being a big fish in a small pond. In fact, I'm sure of it.

And now, to see if I can somehow get myself to sleep all wired from this shift when I finished the fantastic lesbian romance novel I was reading at a snail's pace of one chapter a night. I don't think genetics reading will put me to sleep, it'll only get my brain going more. It's genetics or finances. Time to make a trip to the library!

My Holiday Wish List

EB and some of my other faraway friends have posted their holiday wish lists online. And I got my first query about holiday presents today. So here is mine:

What I'd Really, Really Like

• A quiet place to live
• A full-time job in veterinary emergency medicine, critical care or internal medicine
• An acceptance to one of my first choice schools (Cornell, Davis, Maryland or Wisconsin)

And if my family sends me money I will spend it on:

• Running shoes (another pair or two would be nice, new ones help prevent injuries)
• A two month pass to a local, outdoor saltwater pool

Anything else would be extraneous, superfluous and unnecessary-- I look really simple on paper, huh? Too bad my personality isn't as simple as my needs and wants or I'd really be a winner.

Birthday Girl

This is the Birthday Girl. She definitely seemed to be enjoying herself. She reminds me an awful lot of me as a kid. She is so precocious, so verbal and so very, very active. Below she is standing on the fence in her yard, which she just climbed over.
Birthday Girl was quite insistent on everyone gathering around to watch The Amazing Trick, which consisted of hanging upside down and then dropping off of her jungle gym. I had many similar amazing tricks as a kid (including bracing against the doorway until I was perched at the top of the doorway, where I would stay as long as possible, liking being high up). Good thinking whoever's decision it was for Birthday Girl to wear shorts underneath her dress!


Finally, here is Birthday Girl bouncing on her trampoline:

And I can't help but show off the gifts I got her: a plush white vest with silver tinsel woven into it (Birthday Girl loves sparkles and soft things) and also a purple dress whose upper half is made of velvet. I think she liked the vest a lot, judging by the fact that she put it on immediately.


The vest was a bit expensive at $3, but the dress was only $1. I felt free to announce this fact as Birthday Girl's mom, Self-Sustainable Nurse, is one of the most thrifty people I have ever met. She considers $1 a lot for a piece of clothing, and like me, only shops at thrift stores. In fact, prior to the party I stopped by San Martin's community store to check out Self-Sustainable Nurse's all-time favorite thrift store (how could one pass up something so highly recommended?):

Downtown San Martin, like San Juan Bautista and the other towns around Gilroy and Monterey, makes me feel like I've stepped onto the set of a film from the Wild West.

All in all, a thoroughly enjoyable afternoon. Thanks for the invitation, Birthday Girl!

Good News For Lindy

Update on Lindy. Her blood pressure was in the normal range at the internist's. Thank goodness. Also her retina looks normal-- no blood pooling, no signs of it being detached. Please, please let me catch hypertension in her if it develops before she goes blind, suffers brain damage or further kidney damage. Please. I would feel terrible if I didn't. But I might never have to worry about it, only about 20% of cats in renal failure develop hypertension-- a compensatory mechanism gone awry due to changes in pressure in the glomerulus having to do with vasoconstriction of the afferent/efferent arteriole (I still don't totally get this mechanism even after bugging the internist about it-- how does that stimulate renin production and activate the renin-angiotensin pathway if the carotid sinus and baroreceptor in the aortic arch aren't sensing low BP????)

She had a slight heart murmur at the internists (graded I out of IV) but this was probably due to her HR of 240! (Think she was releasing some norepinephrine that caused the alpha 1 adrenergic receptors on the sinoatrial nodal cells to increase her HR? See what stress can do to an animal?) Ohm's law of hydrodynamics no longer holds above a certain threshold and then instead of laminar flow you get turbulence (thank you Osborne Reynolds for determining this threshold, may I never need to calculate it). Hence the murmur. At least my best guess.

Of most concern, her packed cell volume dropped 5% in the past three months. This may indicate her kidneys are decreasing their production of erythropoietin, which may mean that I need to put her on synthetic EPO at some point. This is not without any risk, as it can sometimes stimulate antibody production in cats and then they lose the capability to produce RBCs entirely, the kiss of death (unless you are crazy enough to do continual blood transfusions). But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

For now it is good news for my girl and for that I am very, very grateful.

Friday: The Good and The Bad

The best thing about it being Friday: I get to see my Friday night crew at work, though admittedly dwindling-- now just me, Muscles and Self-Sustainable Nurse. Thank goodness for them, they keep me sane by making me laugh the entire shift.

The other good thing about Friday: Only two days till the farmers' market, which is the other highlight of my weekend.

The bad thing about this Friday: I have a genetics exam Monday that I am fairly unprepared for and I don't plan to spend much time inside on a beautiful weekend like this. Grades, shmrades. I'm aching for some sunshine and long runs. Plus I've got Self-Sustainable Nurse Jr's birthday party to attend tomorrow. Apparently I will be manning the hot glue gun to prevent the kids from burning themselves. There will be six 4 year olds. I don't know any other details. Like what they will be doing with the hot glue gun????? Hey, in my book any excuse to spend time on a South county ranch is a good one...

Maybe getting outside will make me feel less blah. I was feeling so happy earlier in the week thanks to an awesome experience at work. Now that feeling is gone. Hence the lack of recent blog posts.

The question of the moment-- what to eat for lunch? I have an artichoke steaming, Swiss chard sauteeing, and I just munched on some fresh greens with lots of arugla (yay spicy greens). I think I will make my special yellow cauliflower later after my run. And there is also a yam to finish off, as well as my winter squash from earlier. Love those farmers' markets. Yum. And I'll top it off with a bit of sturgeon or goat's cheese. (Hmm... I wonder what goodies Self-Sustainable Nurse will bring in to work tonight-- I can't wait till spring so I can have fresh goat's milk again and goat milk tapioca pudding... in the meantime I think it is mainly eggs...)

A Trip To The Vet's

Saturday I took my cats to work to re-check Lindy's bloodwork before her appointment with the internist on Tuesday morning. Simon was just keeping her company-- as you will see below they provide each other with a lot of comfort in stressful situations. Below I am checking Lindy's blood pressure. I was quite distraught to find she has become hypertensive, but I am smiling because of something funny Dr. Cool was saying as he snapped the shot.



They like to huddle together in the cage. Pretty darn cute. Between Lindy's high blood pressure and their obvious stress at being in the hospital, I jumped at the chance to go home early when we were slow, and so I got them out of there as fast as possible.

Who Needs Supermarkets When You Have Farmers' Markets Like This?

Collecting My Thoughts On Prop 8's Passing

I feel like I ought to write something thoughtful and deep, or at least attempt to, but it has been hard to wrap words around my emotions, let alone wrap my head around the outcome of the election. It is the first time since prohibition that existing legal rights have been taken away and the first time ever that Americans have amended a state constitution to take away rights from a minority group that previously enjoyed those same rights, which makes for a scary day for this country, this state, civil rights, and me and all my LBGT friends. To quote Lorri L. Jean:

That is because Proposition 8 is the very first time in our nation's history that one group of people has succeeded in putting a measure on the ballot that seeks to eliminate the fundamental marriage rights of another group.

And that's one of the worst things about Proposition 8. It's an effort to start something very dangerous in our country -- something that flies in the face of the very bedrock of our democratic society and of the reasons why we have a Constitution and a Bill of Rights. One group of people is not supposed to be able to vote to take away the fundamental rights of a smaller group of people. To do so is not only wrong, it's un-American.

Before I go any furher, I want to express my thanks to all the kind folks on the East coast who expressed their regret, either in private email or in their comments on this blog. I appreciate your support immensely, and your acknowledgment that this is a difficult piece of news for me as well as your recognition of the disturbing larger implications of the proposition's passage. This especially includes my parents, who wrote to me almost immediately expressing their sadness and outrage.

I was very disappointed last night when the election returns on proposition 8 came in, but not shocked. I had a feeling it would pass. After all, the Yes signs vastly outnumbered the No signs in my part of town, as did the Yes protesters. My signs kept getting stolen. Many of my acquaintances and friends had told me they were voting yes. And many of my friends who would have voted no chose not to participate at all, not even bothering to cast a vote. So in my small world it didn't look good from the outset.

On a personal level, prop 8 has been a wake-up call to me about the environment I live in and the rampant homophobia and religious fundamentalism that dominate in my neighborhood/area of town as well as the apathy of way too many people when it comes to voting. The first thing Dr. Cool said to me when he saw me today was that it must be a difficult day for me. And then he added that it says a lot about our state, and our neighborhood in particular.

On a more political level, I think that a lot of the reason that prop 8 passed was the conflation of religious values and legal rights. There is supposed to be separation of church and state in this country, but many people seem to have missed that point in making their decisions on how to vote on this one. Many people seemed to want to impose their religious values on others. This wasn't about a spiritual definition of marriage or G-d's will (and notice here that I always hyphenate G-d's name, as do all religious Jews or people who were raised in that tradition, out of respect lest the full name be written and then desecrated, so it is not like I am without any understanding of religious tradition or spirituality myself). This was about taxpayers being denied equal rights. And yes, as the gay rights attorneys astutely argued in the Supreme court case, it was also about semantics. That domestic partnership may convey many of the same legal benefits as marriage but it does not have the same meaning to people and that this can have important consequences besides the obvious emotional component, such as in medical emergencies.

To quote Veronique de Turenne, who put my first point above much more succintly, "Behind the dollars and sentiments the question remains -- is marriage a state of the soul, or sole discretion of the state?"

Despite feeling disappointed last night and this morning, overall I remain optimistic that I will see gay marriage prevail in my lifetime. That I will live to see acceptance and not just tolerance and thinly veiled homophobia. The exit polls showed that people under 30 overwhelmingly voted no, meaning they supported gay marriage. The tides are turning. It was too soon this time, but just by a hair. I think it is inevitable that change will come, with time. As a rabbi I heard speak on this issue said, "Change does not come overnight. It is a gradual and frustrating process. Sometimes it is one step forward and two steps backward." But once set in motion, change like this does come. And so even in the face of defeat I embrace hope.

Writing My Planaria Paper-- Does This Sound Surreal To Anyone Else Or Am I Just Overtired?

"When exposed to light planarians display a distinctive light avoidance behavior known as negative phototaxis. Such behavior is temporarily suppressed when animals are decapitated, and it is restored once the animals regenerate their heads."

I dunno, I just find reading that kind of disturbing. Then again, I haven't been sleeping much lately so it could just be me...

(Here's the full article if you are are interested).

Also, for the record, no planarians were harmed in my experiment. I actually have a reputation for being the humane student of the group because I refused to cut my planarians' heads in half to try to get them to demonstrate regeneration. Granted, their nervous system is much, much simpler than ours, but they do seem to react to having their heads cut in half so why do it? I mean, I don't know what it feels like to them and there is no way I ever will and to do that just for a few points extra credit does not seem like an ethical decision to me.

One Week Later

It seemed like this night would never come. Time passed so slowly all week, especially today. And yet, as predicted, here I sit typing my Planaria lab report.

What I care about most at the moment is the outcome of the election on Prop 8. The initial results at this early stage show a resounding victory for the Yes on 8 folks. It saddens me but doesn't surprise me.

Saddens me deeply. I can't reasonably account for my ability to focus on my Planaria report, which is not in the least bit intriguing, other than to say I have always found solace in my schoolwork. Even when it is not all that interesting, work is a distraction for me, and so I am grateful to have loads of it at the moment.

My exams did not go so well. I hate walking out of an exam and later remembering nit picky points that I missed. Like how on my diagram of the hemoglobin dissociation curve, I labeled the x-axis PO2 but did not give units (which should have been mm Hg). Sigh. Yes my mind really works like that. I try hard not to think about my exams once they are over, but of course it pops into my head and then my classmates want to talk about their answers and will even call me up to discuss questions!

Luckily I did not write anything utterly ridiculous on my exam, like my friend who wrote an essay on how the sympathetic nervous system works to increase the heart rate via fluffy hamster cells. OK, well in all fairness we both realized what is involved is release of norepinephrine which binds to beta-1 adrenergic receptors in a G-protein coupled cascade involving adenlyl cyclase and increased cAMP. But there was also a question about which cells specifically do the neurons releasing the neurotransmitter synapse onto-- I wasn't sure which is why I wrote about the unusual length v. tension diagram of cardiac sarcomeres instead. I suspected the neurons synapse onto sinoatrial nodal cells, possibly atrioventricular nodal cells as well. My friend put down that they synapse onto fluffy hamster cells. Really truly. Because she couldn't think of anything better. I had to laugh. She's a goofball sometimes. At least she got me to laugh on an otherwise rather dreary night.

So what else have I been up to? I spent the afternoon at the polls campaigning for No on 8. After my exam I returned to the polls for the final hour of voting. Then I got in a quick swim. Alone at night in the crisp cold air and dark water, trying to clear my head and decompress a bit.

I have to admit, I have been pretty blue lately and today hasn't helped. I am utilizing my usual limited coping mechanisms-- run and swim more, pick up more shifts at work, give away more of my possessions (books and clothing), study harder. It's not necessarily the healthiest way to cope, old habits are hard to break. Dr. Cool has noticed and teases me that it is my own special version of triathlon-- swim, study, run. Substituting studying for the bike ride. Hey, it works for me so don't knock it.

Perspective: Waking Up To Bushtits Calling, Sunshine And I Can't Help But Smile

As anyone who knows me well or reads this blog regularly knows, these tiny birds are some of my favorites. I love their tinkly, melodious call and sock-shaped, unusual nests (that for some reason jump out at me everywhere I go but not to anyone else I know-- some kind of strange pattern recognition I possess and attunement to the natural world, as one of my more pereceptive dates-- we'll simply call her TheLawyer-- said, "That's an interesting brain you've got in there"-- she was one of the few who actually noticed what I was paying attention to while we were out walking around, and saw that my focus was on the animals around me and not the people even though we were in a crowd).

So I woke up this morning to a flock of them outside my window. I knew they were there before I raised the blinds by their lovely calls. It made me smile in my half-sleep and my heart warm as I slowly woke up, in no rush to leap out of bed for once. (And when I did get up, I immediately reached for my camera to document the happy moment for you, my readers).

I have to remind myself as I stress over my upcoming exams tomorrow and the next day and worry about the outcome of this election and its possible ramifications that these things will not cease to exist no matter what happens in the next few days. There will be bushtits calling, sunshine, and gigantic carrots and yams from the farmer's market to look forward to, thank goodness.

This Morning I Woke Up Thinking About...

PAH (p-aminohippurate) and inulin. How PAH is completely cleared from the plasma and thus a good indicator of renal plasma flow (RPF). PAH is a meausre of whether you have good blood flow to the kidney since the renal clearance equals the arterial renal plasma flow.
And inulin is a measure of whether the filter is working since it is unprocessed, i.e. the amount filtered= the amount excreted. So inulin can be used to estimate glomerular filtration rate (GFR) since the amount of inulin that appears in the urine per unit time is the same as the amount of inulin that the glomerulus filters per unit time.

And I opened my eyes to Lindy, who while I lay there with my eyes shut had been head-butting and nuzzling my face, insistent on getting some attention. Lindy with her failing kidneys. I wonder what would happen if I injected her with PAH-- hopefully she has good blood flow to her kidneys. And inulin? The filter is working, but it has too many holes, not enough reabsorption and secretion. Would inulin demonstrate that in her? I don't know.

It was grey and raining, I rolled out of bed, slipped on my sandals and went for an hour and a half swim. The incredible hulk had to choose to get in my lane, and soon I was the only female in a lane of really fast male swimmers. I held my own, but I was eating water the whole time. Why do they seem to choose to get in with me? I can't pace off of someone who is twice as fast as me. A normal guy, maybe, but not these athletes. I wish they'd pick someone else to get in with for a change...

Some Poetry: How I Wish I Could Be And How I Am (Shy)

Here is one of my all time favorite poems, written by Julie of Thumbscre.ws (link here):

"Brand-New Effervescent Action"

Nothing is as sweet as this moment
caught improbably between the teeth like a bullet.

To mentally calculate the odds of such a thing ending well
is about as wise
respectful
appropriate
and advisable
as biting down.

The properly appreciative state
(and I don’t know how to achieve this, but I’m trying nonetheless)
Is one of unconscious, reflexive grace
Drunk, giggling and balancing on a moving El Camino’s hood
The Roadrunner, post- cliff edge
But pre- looking down.

The rare Metaphorical Luna Moth
(cue the turquoise and crystals and incense)
Would be the perfect spirit guide
Antennae unfurled, gratefully receiving
Vibrations, visions, glowing pollen specks
Happy little twitches that haven’t happened quite yet.

The moon is bright. Breath crystallized. Her hair spread across a fresh-chalked goal line.
The lake’s blood-warm. Sky melted Creamsicle. World saturated in liquefied sun.
You do not think about the harshly bright awkwardness of the next morning.
You do not think about driving back to Providence on sopping wet upholstery.
You just jump in.

* * * *
And here is how I actually am, poem by Simon Armitage (another awesome poet, one I actually got to meet in college)

"To His Lost Lover"

Now they are no longer
any trouble to each other

he can turn things over, get down to that list
of things that never happened, all of the lost

unfinishable business.
For instance… for instance,

how he never clipped and kept her hair, or drew a hairbrush
through that style of hers, and never knew how not to blush

at the fall of her name in close company.
How they never slept like buried cutlery –

two spoons or forks cupped perfectly together,
or made the most of some heavy weather –

walked out into hard rain under sheet lightning,
or did the gears while the other was driving.

How he never raised his fingertips
to stop the segments of her lips

from breaking the news,
or tasted the fruit

or picked for himself the pear of her heart,
or lifted her hand to where his own heart

was a small, dark, terrified bird
in her grip. Where it hurt.

Or said the right thing,
or put it in writing.

And never fled the black mile back to his house
before midnight, or coaxed another button of her blouse,

then another,
or knew her

favourite colour,
her taste, her flavour,

and never ran a bath or held a towel for her,
or soft-soaped her, or whipped her hair

into an ice-cream cornet or a beehive
of lather, or acted out of turn, or misbehaved

when he might have, or worked a comb
where no comb had been, or walked back home

through a black mile hugging a punctured heart,
where it hurt, where it hurt, or helped her hand

to his butterfly heart
in its two blue halves.

And never almost cried,
and never once described

an attack of the heart,
or under a silk shirt

nursed in his hand her breast,
her left, like a tear of flesh

wept by the heart,
where it hurts,

or brushed with his thumb the nut of her nipple,
or drank intoxicating liquors from her navel.

Or christened the Pole Star in her name,
or shielded the mask of her face like a flame,

a pilot light,
or stayed the night,

or steered her back to that house of his,
or said “Don’t ask me how it is

I like you.
I just might do.”

How he never figured out a fireproof plan,
or unravelled her hand, as if her hand

were a solid ball
of silver foil

and discovered a lifeline hiding inside it,
and measured the trace of his own alongside it.

But said some things and never meant them –
sweet nothings anybody could have mentioned.

And left unsaid some things he should have spoken,
about the heart, where it hurt exactly, and how often.

Happy Halloween: The Only Picture I Will Ever Post Of My Ex-Husband And I

I'm the dwarf (in case you couldn't guess). That was a few years ago. It was a fun party. No one knew who I was because my ex and I arrived separately and I didn't talk, I just drank and motioned with my hands. All that people knew is that I had blue, blue eyes. No one even knew it was a cross-dressing dwarf! (How many hits on search engines do you think I will get for that phrase alone-- "cross-dressing dwarf?")

One Week To Go

In one week I will be sitting here typing my zoology lab report on Planaria and the following will be true:
The election will be over.
I will have taken my zoology midterm.
I will have taken my physiology midterm.

Seems hard to believe in just one week all that will be behind me. Time cannot pass fast enough for me right now, and it is rare that I wish for time to pass quickly lately as I have been happier than ever before this fall.

I mention this not just to motivate myself that an end is in sight, but also for you, my dear readers, who I seem to have alienated by turning this into a political single issue blog as of late. I will be back, on a whole new track, in just one week. I promise.

The Saga Of The No On Prop 8 Signs Continues

So I was mistaken yesterday. The sign I had up was not stolen, but rather taken down and placed under a tree in the yard by someone. Dr Cool found it and put it back up this afternoon, then left. A few minutes later I went on an hour run in Quicksilver park. When I came back someone had taken the plastic sheet part of the sign, just leaving the metal frame behind. This time it was gone for good. I was only away for one hour. The sign wasn't even back up for a full hour and someone took it down again!!! Even the usually unflappable Dr Cool found this rather appalling.

So this evening I went to the No On 8 campaign headquarters and picked up some more signs. I didn't put them out because I can't leave them out overnight. In fact, I might have to sit outside and study next to the sign tomorrow because apparently I need to babysit it like a newborn to ensure it doesn't get stolen.

I'm kind of bummed because the new signs don't say Equality For All. They just say Unfair And Wrong. In red no less whereas the old sign was in blue and green. It's too strident for me. I wish someone hadn't taken my old sign.

For My Biology Labmate: Does Gay Marriage Threaten Religious Freedom? Some Arguments For and Against

She believes that if Prop 8 passes then churches are at risk of losing their non-profit status if they refuse to marry gay couples.

I did some research on this and present the following two articles:

1. "California Ruling Protects Religious Freedom" by the Reverend Dr. C. Welton Gaddy

While the decision frees the supportive denominations to perform same-gender marriages, it does not force any religious group to change its theology or traditions. The decision made the court’s position clear on this point:

“Finally, affording same-sex couples the opportunity to obtain the designation of marriage will not impinge upon the religious freedom of any religious organization, official, or any other person; no religion will be required to change its religious policies or practices with regard to same-sex couples, and no religious officiant will be required to solemnize a marriage in contravention of his or her religious beliefs. (Cal. Const., art. I, § 4.)”

This article is particularly nice because it links to the entire California supreme court decision case and so you can see that on p117 it does indeed state that no religion will be required to change its religious policies or practice.

2. "A Gay Marriage Pandora's Box" Dean R. Broyles and Lorri L. Jean

The actual evidence is overwhelming that this conflict is not imagined but very real. Unfortunately, religious freedom and free speech are increasingly on the losing end of the equation. In 2005, Swedish minister Ake Green was sentenced to jail for preaching about homosexuality from the New Testament book of Romans (the conviction was eventually overturned). New Jersey's Ocean Grove Campground, a religious nonprofit, lost its tax-exempt status in 2007 because the organization refused to rent its facility to a lesbian couple for a civil commitment ceremony. In 2006, Catholic Charities of Boston stopped doing adoption work rather than be coerced by the Massachusetts to place children with same-sex couples. A Massachusetts father was arrested in 2007 when he would not leave the school because the administration stubbornly refused to acknowledge his legal right to opt his child out of ongoing homosexual indoctrination occurring in a kindergarten class.

Unfortunately the counter argument does not actually address these points, so I will quote reader comment #34 on this (as well several others if you choose to keep reading):

34. Broyles is lying: Green's conviction was overturned; the US doesn't have a hate speech law. On Ocean Grove: the church ran it as a public business, and therefore cannot discriminate against one segment of the public. The same goes for doctors. The father was arrested for becoming belligerent and refusing to leave the principal's office. The court ruled that teaching tolerance is not indoctrination. The Catholic adoption service is continuing to do adoptions, but no publicly funded ones. The parents of the first-graders gave permission for them to attend the gay wedding. If passed, Prop * will be ruled unconstitutional.

Submitted by: William LeGro

4:31 PM PDT, October 27, 2008

30. "New Jersey's Ocean Grove Campground, a religious nonprofit, lost its tax-exempt status in 2007 because the organization refused to rent its facility to a lesbian couple for a civil commitment ceremony." HUGE crock 'o' lies. First, they DID NOT lose their tax-exempt status. They lost a $200 property tax exemption on ONE building. The building they refused to rent to a lesbian couple. And by saying "its facility," insinuates it was a chapel that was involved. Not true. The building in question was an open-air beachside pavilion. Kids skateboarded there, civil ware re-enactments were held there, as well as concerts and craft fairs.

Submitted by: mistereks

4:36 PM PDT, October 27, 2008

26. "This year, two Christian doctors here in California were successfully sued for violating state civil rights law because they asserted their right of religious conscience by refusing to perform artificial insemination for a lesbian couple." And the court ruled 7-0 that they have every right to refuse to perform any procedure they like on religious grounds. But they can't refuse that procedure to SOME people based solely on religious grounds. In other words, they can discriminate against procedures, but not against people. That's as it should be.

Submitted by: mistereks

4:37 PM PDT, October 27, 2008

23. "And famously, just this month, a first-grade class went on a "field trip" to watch its lesbian teacher's wedding in San Francisco." And parents who didn't want their children to go could refuse to sign the permission slip -- as two families did. Where is the problem here? Fight for Prop 8 all you want -- but at least do it with the truth.

Submitted by: mistereks

4:37 PM PDT, October 27, 2008

51. It does not appear Dean did his homework regarding this field trip that supposedly violated religious freedoms. Two of the students had their parents opt them out of the trip, the rest had permission from their parents, who wanted them to go. Doesn't sound like anyone was forced against their will to attend to me. And then an example of an overturned jail sentence from Sweden. Sounds like a pretty desperate cover for his homophobic attitude.

Submitted by: Chris

4:02 PM PDT, October 27, 2008

43. I love it when one side gives facts and the other side gives polemic. While Prop 8 limits marriage to one man and one woman, it is presently true, by decision of the Supreme Count that the State CANNOT limit marriage to opposite sex couple. It is therefore specious for opponents of Prop 8 to say "read the text, the Supreme Court decision mentions nothing about teaching same sex marriage to kindergarteners". Of course it doesn't. But the legal consequences in favor to compelling kindergarteners to learn the same-sex party line are as inevitable in California as they have been in Massachusetts. -- Chris Curzon

Submitted by: Chris Curzon

4:25 PM PDT, October 27, 2008

7. Everyone has the constitutional right to believe in any set of religious values they so choose. If, however, their religion commands them to break laws, or refuse services to those of other religions, or to run public business that exclude those of a certain race, it isn't seen as legal or acceptable. Those supporting Prop 8 use the right to practice their religion to treat another group who doesn't buy into their religion as second-class citizens. This is not protected by the first amendment, and denying others equal treatment under the law is not protected religious practice. Period.

Submitted by: Beargulch

5:00 PM PDT, October 27, 2008

In A Nutshell Why I Am Against Prop 8

1. It makes me personally feel like a second class citizen to have the option of marrying taken away. Even if I choose to never exercise that right, I want to be entitled to the same rights as straight people.

2. It is a civil rights issue. I am against amending the state's constitution to take away the rights of any minority group.

3. I agree with the California supreme court's ruling and interpretation of strict scrutiny. There is no compelling interest for the government to deny gay couples the right to marry. Moreover, it does not hurt anyone. It might offend many people's religious views, but we do not live in a theocracy (thank G-d), at least so far. We live in a country that is supposed to have separation of church and state and so people's religious views should not dictate whether the government issues marriage licenses and or grants the same benefits to straight or gay couples.

How To Calm Down

I'm still incensed over the stolen sign, so much so it makes focusing on my studying difficult.

But getting all worked up doesn't change a thing, and I really need to get my work done if I am going to spend next Tuesday at the polls.

So I am sitting here drinking warm milk with a dollop of local honey, studying lactose metabolism. Sometimes I think I am quite clever (other times not so much so....). Warm milk= soporific. Local honey= sweetness, goodness. Just what I need.

Someone Stole My No On Prop 8 Sign!!!

I am really mad, upset and bewildered. Someone stole my No On Prop 8 sign off of Dr. Cool's lawn. It is in a very nice strategic intersection by a church and their preschool.

I haven't stolen any signs because I believe in FREE SPEECH.

This election is more and more upsetting every day.

My friend L says that it just "reveals how ugly some people can be." And I could have lived quite happily without knowing that.

Meanwhile, the entire Bay area is out of signs for the moment, so there isn't even any way to replace it. Really, really crappy.

I Voted Today

By mail in ballot. I am still consumed by this election.

I am trying to get my friends who are also enraged by prop 8 to volunteer with me in the final days for the No On 8 campaign. So far only SelfSustainableNurse has committed to a shift, but I have hopes I will rope in a few more of my politically active friends.

I can't believe in just over a week this whole thing will be over. Whatever will I think about then?

An OK Weekend Spent On The Peninsula Again

Once again, the best part of my weekend was my Friday night shift at work. Crazy, huh? At least I've found work that I love. I was sad to find out our only hospitalized patient was euthanized Sunday afternoon. I did get pretty involved in that case and had hoped for a better outcome.

Saturday I went back to the Peninsula to volunteer at the Santa Clara Valley Audubon Society Wildlife Awareness Day. I helped staff the Wildlife Center of Silicon Valley booth in order to educate the public about their mission to help injured wildlife. A lot of people don't even know such a place exists, so they end up trying to care for hurt wildlife on their own, which isn't good for the wildlife or for people who don't know how to handle wildlife and end up getting hurt. It was heartening to see people chose the copy of the center's magazine, Tracks, from the fall of 2006, in which I wrote most of the articles. Made me feel good about my writing and efforts.

Sunday I went for a nice run in Quicksilver, the farmer's market, and to lunch with L and her family to discuss the ballot. It was nice to share a meal with her family, I have been getting tired of eating all my meals by myself. Gets kind of depressing.

Sunday night I made a giant pot of vegetable stew, I kind of mis-estimated so it wouldn't all fit in one pot and I had to make a second pot and then combine the two later. At Sunshine's suggestion I added A LOT of curry, so much so that the whole house smelled of curry for the rest of the night. Dr Cool didn't seem to mind too much, he says it smelled good.

Not a bad weekend, but I am was exhausted by Sunday night. Perhaps because I went to bed after 2 am on Friday night and got up at 7 am on Saturday morning. Those swing shifts do throw off my schedule a little but are worth it.

Proposition 8: Take Another Little Piece Of My Heart Now, Baby

Hi folks, sorry for the lack of posts recently. I've been consumed by school and every free moment has been spent thinking about politics. The fact that the vote on proposition 8 is so close makes me crazy. I want it to fail so badly. I keep hearing that if it passes, because it is a constitutional amendment, it will mean that I won't see gay marriage in California in my lifetime. Which means I will always be a second class citizen. And that any other minority group is at risk of a ballot proposition taking away their rights. Talk about a slippery slope, which is terminology the other side tends to use.

Wednesday night I was dreading doing phone banking because I always hang up on everyone who calls me who is not a personal friend. And in fact lots and lots of people hung up on me. The other volunteers joked it was karma getting me back. But overall it was a great experience because I felt like I was doing something positive for the No On 8 campaign. And the other volunteers were really friendly and upbeat. It was an awesome atmosphere.

I haven't seen a place so polarized by the religious/secular divide since I was in high school and Yigal Amir shot Yitzhak Rabin. This level of polarization does no one any good. We are all in this together. There is only one planet. One environment. Demonizing the other side hurts everyone.

In fact, the atmosphere in California today reminds me a lot of high school and the year after high school that I spent in Israel (I gave my valedictory speech on the negative effects of a deeply polarized society-- using Israel as my example-- since I couldn't talk about feminism or gay rights per the principal so that is how I addressed it indirectly). It still makes me sad to think of it. I truly believe history would have been less violent if Rabin had not been assassinated. Murdered. And the repercussions of that bloody moment are still being felt in Israel today. And as for me personally, because of that nanosecond that changed history, I will probably never live in Israel again in my lifetime because as much as I love the land and parts of the culture, there is no peace, peace which at one time seemed a real possibility and now is as elusive as acceptance in California.

Sometimes it is hard to understand these things. Not even why they happen, but just the sadness of it seems so incomprehensible, so much larger than me and my individual life.

It's been a tough time for me personally too, for even though I have no desire to get married, I have felt under attack for being gay. I realize that the level of acceptance of homosexuality even in the Bay area is a lot less than what I naively imagined. Several of my classmates that I assumed were liberal have basically told me to my face that they don't think I deserve the same rights as them. It hurts. Again, it also reminds me of being in high school in North Carolina, where the hatred was blatant.

I am looking forward to this election being over, so I can have my life back and not be consumed by worry over it. But I try not to worry, it is mostly out of my control. I will continue to volunteer with the No on Prop 8 campaign, I will vote, and that is about all I can do.

If any of you are interested in doing something, I recommend giving money. Talk to people about your views. Educate people about the lies being put out there by the other side.

And if you want to read a truly depressing article, go here.

A Weekend Spent On The Peninsula

Friday night I went to Coconuts Caribbean Restaurant in Palo Alto to see Lemo play. He's the musician that I met at the Princeton Plaza farmer's market (www.lemolive.com). It was a small, but good show, and I enjoyed hearing the accents from Trinidad. Afterwards, I went out to a few bars in downtown Palo Alto, rode a fake bull and did some dancing.

Saturday morning run with Baylands Frontrunners (http://www.baylands.org/index.php).
Running along the marsh was beautiful, it was hard not to stop to look at all the shorebirds.

Sunday afternoon in Los Altos Hills:

Congregation Beth Am and the Progressive Jewish Alliance present:
"Marriage Equality Is a Jewish Issue"
Sunday, October 19, 2008 - 4:30 p.m. to 7:00 p.m.
With NCLR Board Members

Join NCLR Board Members Emily Doskow, Minna Tao, and Stacey Camillo at the Congregation Beth Am for an event entitled "Marriage Equality Is a Jewish Issue." They will be discussing Prop 8—the marriage ban, and what you can do to help defeat it in November. Hope to see you there!

I also got to see Deb Kinney and Ira Ruskin speak, as well as a rabbi from the area and members of the Progressive Jewish Alliance.

They did their job because they not only got me to donate money to the campaign, I also signed up to do phone banking this Wednesday. I don't want to see all the hard work that led to the victory in the court room undone. It appalls me to think that the California state constitution could be amended to take away the rights of any group.

Sunday night I made my first attempt at a veggie stew, inspired by seeing Sunshine's version of it when I eat lunch with her at school. I love the aesthetic appeal of the vegetables from the farmer's market all cut up and spread out (yes, those are purple potatoes):


Then, yesterday morning, bright and early, back to the grind of school, starting off the week with a genetics exam. At least that is behind me. Now I get a bit of a break until my next set of midterms in two weeks. I still have plenty to do, and am trying to use every minute efficiently because I have another busy weekend coming up and I can't fill up my weekends with fun activities unless I get most of my work done during the week.

Undercover Diva

This is Dr. Chief-of-Staff's dog, Diva. Like Frida (Not Kahlo), she was a rescue who came in with a broken radius/ulna that her owners could not afford to fix. She was one of the first little dogs that I ever really liked, and she has helped open my eyes to the charms of little dogs (Dr. Chief-of-Staff says that, like me, she was exclusively a big dog person until she met Diva).

I love this photo because Diva's look seems to be saying, "You woke me up just to take a photograph? Seriously?!"

Also, I like it because it reminds me of Simon, who also loves to burrow under the covers, and who I have nearly sat on so many times when I sat down on my bed because I didn't notice the small lump of Simon under the covers.

(If you are wondering, I snapped this shot in the doctor's office. The last three shifts that I have worked I have been Dr. Chief-of-Staff's personal tech so I have spent a lot of time traipsing in and back from the floor to the doctor's office with updates, questions, lab results etc).

Yesterday: I Did Not Puke And I Did Not Sleep

I got back my physiology exam yesterday and did very well on it. Needless to say, I was immensely relieved.

It was my plan to not even look at the grade, and I told the professor this when he gave me my exam back, but he smiled and said, "Good score." So I knew it was OK. And in fact I was two standard deviations above the average, which means I got an A. I felt really dumb for having worried about it so much.

Yesterday morning I woke up at five thirty am, after having gone to bed at 1 am the night before. I was wide awake. Nightmares. So rather than lie in bed in the dark afraid, I got up and went swimming. It is the reverse of my normal schedule to watch the sun rise rather than set, but it was every bit just as beautiful to see the sky change from pitch black to light blue every time I turned my head to take a breath.

I went to school, came home, got in a run in the hills, and headed back to school. From my evening class I went straight to Slow Feet's naturalization party, to celebrate the Brit finally becoming an American citizen. Reminds me of how much I like my work friends. Here I am (on four hours sleep) with LaMexicana Dog Whisperer, The Brazilian Dancer and Slow Feet, graveyard nurse extraordinaire.


Today I got in another swim and run. I am really enjoying our warm weather. When I get far up in the hills, I take off my shirt and feel the warmth of the sun, the wind caressing my skin, and with all the birds, the quiet, the beautiful views of the valley, it is pretty much my idea of heaven. I think I derive a lot of emotional satisfaction from my connection to nature that others get from other people. I am going to be sad when it starts to rain. Every sunny day is a gift for me.

Well, I have to be up in just a few hours, and I have another very full weekend, so more later. Thanks to everyone who commiserated with me about my wait for the return of my exam and wrote me privately to express concern. It is touching.

Wanting To Puke A Lot Lately

For the past week and a half, every time I've gone to my physiology class I've felt like puking. Why? Because we are supposed to get our first midterms back any day now.

The funny thing is I wasn't all that nervous when I went in to take the midterm. I don't usually get nervous before tests-- I know I am a good student and I have confidence in my abilities. I knew the physiology material fairly well (considering I spent most of the first month of school doing little outside of class except filling out applications). The test went well. Of course, there were some things I didn't know, but I felt like I answered the majority of the questions well.

But somehow in the intervening weeks since taking the exam, I have developed increasing anxiety about how I did. I have this terrible fear that I flunked. I know that I am catastrophizing-- imagining the worst for no reason. I tell myself I've rarely flunked anything in my life (perhaps one quantum mechanics exam, but the average was so low I suspect even that I passed with my 11 out of 100... but that's another story). I've never, ever been remotely in danger of failing a class.

Yet no matter how much I try to reason through my fears intellectually, they persist as strong as ever. Darn emotions. Why don't irrational fears respond better to intellectual reasoning? Really, it annoys me so much when I can reason my way through something and find my emotions on the subject unchanged, it is like my heart just refuses to listen to my brain no matter how hard I try to bludgeon it into it.

So today I found out my exam will be ready tomorrow morning. It is among the last few to be graded. I haven't decided if I am going to pick it up or wait for L to get it for me so that I don't have to see the score, and she can tell me I did fine or break it to me gently if I didn't.

I think I have been so anxious over it because I know that I need a good grade in this class to achieve my goals for next year. And there are only three exams, and it is on a tough curve, so it counts for a lot. I hate when I am reduced to a grade or score on paper based on a few scant hours of my life. Last time I wanted to puke this badly was before I took the GRE a year ago. I almost puked all over the woman who checked me into the exam. And then I got phenomenally good scores. Go figure. But I still object to being reduced to a few numbers based on my performance during only three hours of my life. That simply can't be indicative of my talent. It can't capture me.

And I also want to puke when I hear that it looks like Prop 8 might pass and that gay marriage will become unconstitutional in CA. It seemed impossible that something like that could even be a real possibility. Why are people so closed minded? Who have I ever hurt by being gay?

And since I am a complete geek, I wonder why my stomach literally tenses when I get stressed. It's physiology folks, so I should be able to reason through that too. Flight or fight. Sympathetic nervous system. Adrenaline. Norepinephrine. Vasoconstriction of blood vessels in the digestive tract. That can't be the whole story, but I bet it is part of why I want to puke when my stress levels spike.

My Mom Would Be So Proud Of Me

For 30 years my mom has been trying to get me to wear pink and cook. For 30 years I have fought her tooth and nail.

Recently I have changed, but my mom does not live close enough to see it (hence this post).

I wear pink. Lots of pink. More than one person has complimented me on it being a good color for me.

I cook. I made banana bread this week (thanks to Eagle Eye's famous recipe) and it was a gigantic hit at the emergency clinic. I sautee vegetables. I even steamed broccoli this week. I have an Amish friendship bread starter that I am endeavoring to keep going.

What changed?

My gender identification has definitely shifted a little. Before I wanted to look tough because I knew I wasn't. Now I know I am so I feel comfortable dressing in a more feminine manner. I know that on the inside no one can take away my new found independence. It's the real deal. I can wrestle big, aggressive dogs; drive around at four in the morning; handle a new city; run in 100 degree heat and 100% humidity for over an hour. These things are not external, they are part of me. Before I felt vulnerable looking feminine. Now so much less scares me and I am confident enough to dress any way I want. (I tried to explain this to someone and she immediately got it, saying, "Clothing as armor!")

And maybe it is age too. With every passing year I am more comfortable in my own skin. I know myself. I know I am not an alpha (I'm a total omega). I'm not dominant. Yet I can often bluff quite effectively, at least with animals (and for short periods of time), when necessary. I've stopped trying to be what I'm not. It doesn't mean I can't be a leader. It doesn't mean I will let other people walk all over me. It just means that I accept myself for who I am and I am not fighting it. (I might add that I'm not saying that someone who is more of an alpha could not be very feminine, certainly Eagle Eyes and T are very much more alphas than me, and they are also more feminine in their gender expression than me. I think it causes a lot of problems when people conflate gender expression-- or gender performance is the term we would have used at Amherst-- with other traits that are considered feminine. I'm just trying to say that accepting myself makes it possible for me to dress as what feels like me).

As for the cooking, that is a more practical matter. For most of my life there has been someone to cook for me. First my mom (thanks mom, I know I was an incredibly picky eater as a kid). Then my college roommate (I think EB singlehandedly kept me alive through the rough spots in college-- me and D, her two high-strung companions). After college my ex-husband cooked for me and then my ex-girlfriend, M (in retrospect neither were particularly good cooks, but I can only say this now having learned finally to cook for myself). The past nine months there hasn't been anyone else to feed me but me. So I've had to learn. It actually hasn't been nearly as hard or as tedious as I feared. I did myself an enormous favor by taking a really good nutrition class for human nurses last winter following my break-up with M. That class taught me all the basics about how to feed myself in a healthy manner. The rest has been collecting recipes and experimenting. I learned a lot from watching other people in my research group's house this summer and I got a lot of tips from my aunt K. I'm well on my way.

Well, life is certainly full of surprises. Who would have ever predicted that I would someday fully embrace my femininity? Or that I would cook-- well enough that when I stop by the clinic for something, the first thing the receptionists ask is whether I've made anything for them to eat? (I know EB for one is still in shock over the whole cooking thing, and Sunshine is surprised to see me in dresses).

But don't get any ideas about grandkids, mom. That's not in the plans. Kids are anti-freedom and will annihilate an unencumbered lifestyle as surely as anti-matter will annihilate its particle counterpart.

When Public Transportation Fails

Today I went to San Francisco. Not wanting to drive when there is public transportation available, I decided to take Caltrain. Cuts down on the mileage I'm putting on my car, gives me time to study instead of having to focus on driving, and is good for the environment. Sounds like a good plan, right?

The train ride there didn't start off well, and quickly went from bad to worse. The train was jam packed. It's not like that when I ride it during the week. It was awful-- loud, hot, steamy, smelly. People sitting on the stairs, standing in the aisles.

Then the the train broke down just before Redwood city. The lights went out and air conditioning went off. We pulled into Redwood city and sat there for half an hour, sweating, before the conductor informed us that the engineer could not restart the engine and that we would have to get off and wait for the next train (they run every hour on weekends). About three hundred to four hundred people got off the train. Someone ahead of me flagged the one taxi waiting at the train station. There were no other taxis.

I asked the conductor what would happen if the next train was this full and we couldn't all get on. She said we'd have to wait for the train after that in that case. I decided then that I was getting a taxi, and began asking people on the platform if they wanted to share a ride and split the cab fare to San Francisco. Eventually a very nice Danish couple with two beautiful kids agreed. Then it was a matter of finding a cab, of which there were none. You'd think with that many people stranded there would be plenty of cabs, but no, there weren't any for several minutes. Weird for a train station, where there is usually a line of cabs no matter what is going on.

The cab cost me $30 and took forever. The traffic on the highway was bad and then the cab driver did not seem to know his way around San Francisco very well. Sigh.

The train ride back wasn't so bad. I arrived at six fifteen at the Caltrain depot in San Francisco and there was already a line for the seven o'clock train to San Jose. It seems there are often more riders than seats. So I stood in line for forty minutes, but got a great seat and the train had a smooth ride.

I don't know if I will take Caltrain again on the weekend. I will probably give it a second chance, but if it turns out anything like today that's it. Because today it really wasn't worth it.

Addendum:

I found out later that the people left waiting from my broken down train mostly made it on to the next train, but that about 120 people had to wait even longer for buses to San Francisco.

Last time my train was held up, in August, it was also because of a problem in Redwood city, which I found out yesterday was in fact a bank robbery, and the robbers got caught by the police on the highway!

Even An X-Ray Of Poop Can Be Beautiful

The detail on this radiograph that I took awhile back is stunning. I'm off to work. Finally caught up on sleep going into the weekend. I got in a nice run between school and work too, yay.