Some Poetry: How I Wish I Could Be And How I Am (Shy)

Here is one of my all time favorite poems, written by Julie of Thumbscre.ws (link here):

"Brand-New Effervescent Action"

Nothing is as sweet as this moment
caught improbably between the teeth like a bullet.

To mentally calculate the odds of such a thing ending well
is about as wise
respectful
appropriate
and advisable
as biting down.

The properly appreciative state
(and I don’t know how to achieve this, but I’m trying nonetheless)
Is one of unconscious, reflexive grace
Drunk, giggling and balancing on a moving El Camino’s hood
The Roadrunner, post- cliff edge
But pre- looking down.

The rare Metaphorical Luna Moth
(cue the turquoise and crystals and incense)
Would be the perfect spirit guide
Antennae unfurled, gratefully receiving
Vibrations, visions, glowing pollen specks
Happy little twitches that haven’t happened quite yet.

The moon is bright. Breath crystallized. Her hair spread across a fresh-chalked goal line.
The lake’s blood-warm. Sky melted Creamsicle. World saturated in liquefied sun.
You do not think about the harshly bright awkwardness of the next morning.
You do not think about driving back to Providence on sopping wet upholstery.
You just jump in.

* * * *
And here is how I actually am, poem by Simon Armitage (another awesome poet, one I actually got to meet in college)

"To His Lost Lover"

Now they are no longer
any trouble to each other

he can turn things over, get down to that list
of things that never happened, all of the lost

unfinishable business.
For instance… for instance,

how he never clipped and kept her hair, or drew a hairbrush
through that style of hers, and never knew how not to blush

at the fall of her name in close company.
How they never slept like buried cutlery –

two spoons or forks cupped perfectly together,
or made the most of some heavy weather –

walked out into hard rain under sheet lightning,
or did the gears while the other was driving.

How he never raised his fingertips
to stop the segments of her lips

from breaking the news,
or tasted the fruit

or picked for himself the pear of her heart,
or lifted her hand to where his own heart

was a small, dark, terrified bird
in her grip. Where it hurt.

Or said the right thing,
or put it in writing.

And never fled the black mile back to his house
before midnight, or coaxed another button of her blouse,

then another,
or knew her

favourite colour,
her taste, her flavour,

and never ran a bath or held a towel for her,
or soft-soaped her, or whipped her hair

into an ice-cream cornet or a beehive
of lather, or acted out of turn, or misbehaved

when he might have, or worked a comb
where no comb had been, or walked back home

through a black mile hugging a punctured heart,
where it hurt, where it hurt, or helped her hand

to his butterfly heart
in its two blue halves.

And never almost cried,
and never once described

an attack of the heart,
or under a silk shirt

nursed in his hand her breast,
her left, like a tear of flesh

wept by the heart,
where it hurts,

or brushed with his thumb the nut of her nipple,
or drank intoxicating liquors from her navel.

Or christened the Pole Star in her name,
or shielded the mask of her face like a flame,

a pilot light,
or stayed the night,

or steered her back to that house of his,
or said “Don’t ask me how it is

I like you.
I just might do.”

How he never figured out a fireproof plan,
or unravelled her hand, as if her hand

were a solid ball
of silver foil

and discovered a lifeline hiding inside it,
and measured the trace of his own alongside it.

But said some things and never meant them –
sweet nothings anybody could have mentioned.

And left unsaid some things he should have spoken,
about the heart, where it hurt exactly, and how often.

Happy Halloween: The Only Picture I Will Ever Post Of My Ex-Husband And I

I'm the dwarf (in case you couldn't guess). That was a few years ago. It was a fun party. No one knew who I was because my ex and I arrived separately and I didn't talk, I just drank and motioned with my hands. All that people knew is that I had blue, blue eyes. No one even knew it was a cross-dressing dwarf! (How many hits on search engines do you think I will get for that phrase alone-- "cross-dressing dwarf?")

One Week To Go

In one week I will be sitting here typing my zoology lab report on Planaria and the following will be true:
The election will be over.
I will have taken my zoology midterm.
I will have taken my physiology midterm.

Seems hard to believe in just one week all that will be behind me. Time cannot pass fast enough for me right now, and it is rare that I wish for time to pass quickly lately as I have been happier than ever before this fall.

I mention this not just to motivate myself that an end is in sight, but also for you, my dear readers, who I seem to have alienated by turning this into a political single issue blog as of late. I will be back, on a whole new track, in just one week. I promise.

The Saga Of The No On Prop 8 Signs Continues

So I was mistaken yesterday. The sign I had up was not stolen, but rather taken down and placed under a tree in the yard by someone. Dr Cool found it and put it back up this afternoon, then left. A few minutes later I went on an hour run in Quicksilver park. When I came back someone had taken the plastic sheet part of the sign, just leaving the metal frame behind. This time it was gone for good. I was only away for one hour. The sign wasn't even back up for a full hour and someone took it down again!!! Even the usually unflappable Dr Cool found this rather appalling.

So this evening I went to the No On 8 campaign headquarters and picked up some more signs. I didn't put them out because I can't leave them out overnight. In fact, I might have to sit outside and study next to the sign tomorrow because apparently I need to babysit it like a newborn to ensure it doesn't get stolen.

I'm kind of bummed because the new signs don't say Equality For All. They just say Unfair And Wrong. In red no less whereas the old sign was in blue and green. It's too strident for me. I wish someone hadn't taken my old sign.

For My Biology Labmate: Does Gay Marriage Threaten Religious Freedom? Some Arguments For and Against

She believes that if Prop 8 passes then churches are at risk of losing their non-profit status if they refuse to marry gay couples.

I did some research on this and present the following two articles:

1. "California Ruling Protects Religious Freedom" by the Reverend Dr. C. Welton Gaddy

While the decision frees the supportive denominations to perform same-gender marriages, it does not force any religious group to change its theology or traditions. The decision made the court’s position clear on this point:

“Finally, affording same-sex couples the opportunity to obtain the designation of marriage will not impinge upon the religious freedom of any religious organization, official, or any other person; no religion will be required to change its religious policies or practices with regard to same-sex couples, and no religious officiant will be required to solemnize a marriage in contravention of his or her religious beliefs. (Cal. Const., art. I, § 4.)”

This article is particularly nice because it links to the entire California supreme court decision case and so you can see that on p117 it does indeed state that no religion will be required to change its religious policies or practice.

2. "A Gay Marriage Pandora's Box" Dean R. Broyles and Lorri L. Jean

The actual evidence is overwhelming that this conflict is not imagined but very real. Unfortunately, religious freedom and free speech are increasingly on the losing end of the equation. In 2005, Swedish minister Ake Green was sentenced to jail for preaching about homosexuality from the New Testament book of Romans (the conviction was eventually overturned). New Jersey's Ocean Grove Campground, a religious nonprofit, lost its tax-exempt status in 2007 because the organization refused to rent its facility to a lesbian couple for a civil commitment ceremony. In 2006, Catholic Charities of Boston stopped doing adoption work rather than be coerced by the Massachusetts to place children with same-sex couples. A Massachusetts father was arrested in 2007 when he would not leave the school because the administration stubbornly refused to acknowledge his legal right to opt his child out of ongoing homosexual indoctrination occurring in a kindergarten class.

Unfortunately the counter argument does not actually address these points, so I will quote reader comment #34 on this (as well several others if you choose to keep reading):

34. Broyles is lying: Green's conviction was overturned; the US doesn't have a hate speech law. On Ocean Grove: the church ran it as a public business, and therefore cannot discriminate against one segment of the public. The same goes for doctors. The father was arrested for becoming belligerent and refusing to leave the principal's office. The court ruled that teaching tolerance is not indoctrination. The Catholic adoption service is continuing to do adoptions, but no publicly funded ones. The parents of the first-graders gave permission for them to attend the gay wedding. If passed, Prop * will be ruled unconstitutional.

Submitted by: William LeGro

4:31 PM PDT, October 27, 2008

30. "New Jersey's Ocean Grove Campground, a religious nonprofit, lost its tax-exempt status in 2007 because the organization refused to rent its facility to a lesbian couple for a civil commitment ceremony." HUGE crock 'o' lies. First, they DID NOT lose their tax-exempt status. They lost a $200 property tax exemption on ONE building. The building they refused to rent to a lesbian couple. And by saying "its facility," insinuates it was a chapel that was involved. Not true. The building in question was an open-air beachside pavilion. Kids skateboarded there, civil ware re-enactments were held there, as well as concerts and craft fairs.

Submitted by: mistereks

4:36 PM PDT, October 27, 2008

26. "This year, two Christian doctors here in California were successfully sued for violating state civil rights law because they asserted their right of religious conscience by refusing to perform artificial insemination for a lesbian couple." And the court ruled 7-0 that they have every right to refuse to perform any procedure they like on religious grounds. But they can't refuse that procedure to SOME people based solely on religious grounds. In other words, they can discriminate against procedures, but not against people. That's as it should be.

Submitted by: mistereks

4:37 PM PDT, October 27, 2008

23. "And famously, just this month, a first-grade class went on a "field trip" to watch its lesbian teacher's wedding in San Francisco." And parents who didn't want their children to go could refuse to sign the permission slip -- as two families did. Where is the problem here? Fight for Prop 8 all you want -- but at least do it with the truth.

Submitted by: mistereks

4:37 PM PDT, October 27, 2008

51. It does not appear Dean did his homework regarding this field trip that supposedly violated religious freedoms. Two of the students had their parents opt them out of the trip, the rest had permission from their parents, who wanted them to go. Doesn't sound like anyone was forced against their will to attend to me. And then an example of an overturned jail sentence from Sweden. Sounds like a pretty desperate cover for his homophobic attitude.

Submitted by: Chris

4:02 PM PDT, October 27, 2008

43. I love it when one side gives facts and the other side gives polemic. While Prop 8 limits marriage to one man and one woman, it is presently true, by decision of the Supreme Count that the State CANNOT limit marriage to opposite sex couple. It is therefore specious for opponents of Prop 8 to say "read the text, the Supreme Court decision mentions nothing about teaching same sex marriage to kindergarteners". Of course it doesn't. But the legal consequences in favor to compelling kindergarteners to learn the same-sex party line are as inevitable in California as they have been in Massachusetts. -- Chris Curzon

Submitted by: Chris Curzon

4:25 PM PDT, October 27, 2008

7. Everyone has the constitutional right to believe in any set of religious values they so choose. If, however, their religion commands them to break laws, or refuse services to those of other religions, or to run public business that exclude those of a certain race, it isn't seen as legal or acceptable. Those supporting Prop 8 use the right to practice their religion to treat another group who doesn't buy into their religion as second-class citizens. This is not protected by the first amendment, and denying others equal treatment under the law is not protected religious practice. Period.

Submitted by: Beargulch

5:00 PM PDT, October 27, 2008

In A Nutshell Why I Am Against Prop 8

1. It makes me personally feel like a second class citizen to have the option of marrying taken away. Even if I choose to never exercise that right, I want to be entitled to the same rights as straight people.

2. It is a civil rights issue. I am against amending the state's constitution to take away the rights of any minority group.

3. I agree with the California supreme court's ruling and interpretation of strict scrutiny. There is no compelling interest for the government to deny gay couples the right to marry. Moreover, it does not hurt anyone. It might offend many people's religious views, but we do not live in a theocracy (thank G-d), at least so far. We live in a country that is supposed to have separation of church and state and so people's religious views should not dictate whether the government issues marriage licenses and or grants the same benefits to straight or gay couples.

How To Calm Down

I'm still incensed over the stolen sign, so much so it makes focusing on my studying difficult.

But getting all worked up doesn't change a thing, and I really need to get my work done if I am going to spend next Tuesday at the polls.

So I am sitting here drinking warm milk with a dollop of local honey, studying lactose metabolism. Sometimes I think I am quite clever (other times not so much so....). Warm milk= soporific. Local honey= sweetness, goodness. Just what I need.

Someone Stole My No On Prop 8 Sign!!!

I am really mad, upset and bewildered. Someone stole my No On Prop 8 sign off of Dr. Cool's lawn. It is in a very nice strategic intersection by a church and their preschool.

I haven't stolen any signs because I believe in FREE SPEECH.

This election is more and more upsetting every day.

My friend L says that it just "reveals how ugly some people can be." And I could have lived quite happily without knowing that.

Meanwhile, the entire Bay area is out of signs for the moment, so there isn't even any way to replace it. Really, really crappy.

I Voted Today

By mail in ballot. I am still consumed by this election.

I am trying to get my friends who are also enraged by prop 8 to volunteer with me in the final days for the No On 8 campaign. So far only SelfSustainableNurse has committed to a shift, but I have hopes I will rope in a few more of my politically active friends.

I can't believe in just over a week this whole thing will be over. Whatever will I think about then?

An OK Weekend Spent On The Peninsula Again

Once again, the best part of my weekend was my Friday night shift at work. Crazy, huh? At least I've found work that I love. I was sad to find out our only hospitalized patient was euthanized Sunday afternoon. I did get pretty involved in that case and had hoped for a better outcome.

Saturday I went back to the Peninsula to volunteer at the Santa Clara Valley Audubon Society Wildlife Awareness Day. I helped staff the Wildlife Center of Silicon Valley booth in order to educate the public about their mission to help injured wildlife. A lot of people don't even know such a place exists, so they end up trying to care for hurt wildlife on their own, which isn't good for the wildlife or for people who don't know how to handle wildlife and end up getting hurt. It was heartening to see people chose the copy of the center's magazine, Tracks, from the fall of 2006, in which I wrote most of the articles. Made me feel good about my writing and efforts.

Sunday I went for a nice run in Quicksilver, the farmer's market, and to lunch with L and her family to discuss the ballot. It was nice to share a meal with her family, I have been getting tired of eating all my meals by myself. Gets kind of depressing.

Sunday night I made a giant pot of vegetable stew, I kind of mis-estimated so it wouldn't all fit in one pot and I had to make a second pot and then combine the two later. At Sunshine's suggestion I added A LOT of curry, so much so that the whole house smelled of curry for the rest of the night. Dr Cool didn't seem to mind too much, he says it smelled good.

Not a bad weekend, but I am was exhausted by Sunday night. Perhaps because I went to bed after 2 am on Friday night and got up at 7 am on Saturday morning. Those swing shifts do throw off my schedule a little but are worth it.

Proposition 8: Take Another Little Piece Of My Heart Now, Baby

Hi folks, sorry for the lack of posts recently. I've been consumed by school and every free moment has been spent thinking about politics. The fact that the vote on proposition 8 is so close makes me crazy. I want it to fail so badly. I keep hearing that if it passes, because it is a constitutional amendment, it will mean that I won't see gay marriage in California in my lifetime. Which means I will always be a second class citizen. And that any other minority group is at risk of a ballot proposition taking away their rights. Talk about a slippery slope, which is terminology the other side tends to use.

Wednesday night I was dreading doing phone banking because I always hang up on everyone who calls me who is not a personal friend. And in fact lots and lots of people hung up on me. The other volunteers joked it was karma getting me back. But overall it was a great experience because I felt like I was doing something positive for the No On 8 campaign. And the other volunteers were really friendly and upbeat. It was an awesome atmosphere.

I haven't seen a place so polarized by the religious/secular divide since I was in high school and Yigal Amir shot Yitzhak Rabin. This level of polarization does no one any good. We are all in this together. There is only one planet. One environment. Demonizing the other side hurts everyone.

In fact, the atmosphere in California today reminds me a lot of high school and the year after high school that I spent in Israel (I gave my valedictory speech on the negative effects of a deeply polarized society-- using Israel as my example-- since I couldn't talk about feminism or gay rights per the principal so that is how I addressed it indirectly). It still makes me sad to think of it. I truly believe history would have been less violent if Rabin had not been assassinated. Murdered. And the repercussions of that bloody moment are still being felt in Israel today. And as for me personally, because of that nanosecond that changed history, I will probably never live in Israel again in my lifetime because as much as I love the land and parts of the culture, there is no peace, peace which at one time seemed a real possibility and now is as elusive as acceptance in California.

Sometimes it is hard to understand these things. Not even why they happen, but just the sadness of it seems so incomprehensible, so much larger than me and my individual life.

It's been a tough time for me personally too, for even though I have no desire to get married, I have felt under attack for being gay. I realize that the level of acceptance of homosexuality even in the Bay area is a lot less than what I naively imagined. Several of my classmates that I assumed were liberal have basically told me to my face that they don't think I deserve the same rights as them. It hurts. Again, it also reminds me of being in high school in North Carolina, where the hatred was blatant.

I am looking forward to this election being over, so I can have my life back and not be consumed by worry over it. But I try not to worry, it is mostly out of my control. I will continue to volunteer with the No on Prop 8 campaign, I will vote, and that is about all I can do.

If any of you are interested in doing something, I recommend giving money. Talk to people about your views. Educate people about the lies being put out there by the other side.

And if you want to read a truly depressing article, go here.

A Weekend Spent On The Peninsula

Friday night I went to Coconuts Caribbean Restaurant in Palo Alto to see Lemo play. He's the musician that I met at the Princeton Plaza farmer's market (www.lemolive.com). It was a small, but good show, and I enjoyed hearing the accents from Trinidad. Afterwards, I went out to a few bars in downtown Palo Alto, rode a fake bull and did some dancing.

Saturday morning run with Baylands Frontrunners (http://www.baylands.org/index.php).
Running along the marsh was beautiful, it was hard not to stop to look at all the shorebirds.

Sunday afternoon in Los Altos Hills:

Congregation Beth Am and the Progressive Jewish Alliance present:
"Marriage Equality Is a Jewish Issue"
Sunday, October 19, 2008 - 4:30 p.m. to 7:00 p.m.
With NCLR Board Members

Join NCLR Board Members Emily Doskow, Minna Tao, and Stacey Camillo at the Congregation Beth Am for an event entitled "Marriage Equality Is a Jewish Issue." They will be discussing Prop 8—the marriage ban, and what you can do to help defeat it in November. Hope to see you there!

I also got to see Deb Kinney and Ira Ruskin speak, as well as a rabbi from the area and members of the Progressive Jewish Alliance.

They did their job because they not only got me to donate money to the campaign, I also signed up to do phone banking this Wednesday. I don't want to see all the hard work that led to the victory in the court room undone. It appalls me to think that the California state constitution could be amended to take away the rights of any group.

Sunday night I made my first attempt at a veggie stew, inspired by seeing Sunshine's version of it when I eat lunch with her at school. I love the aesthetic appeal of the vegetables from the farmer's market all cut up and spread out (yes, those are purple potatoes):


Then, yesterday morning, bright and early, back to the grind of school, starting off the week with a genetics exam. At least that is behind me. Now I get a bit of a break until my next set of midterms in two weeks. I still have plenty to do, and am trying to use every minute efficiently because I have another busy weekend coming up and I can't fill up my weekends with fun activities unless I get most of my work done during the week.

Undercover Diva

This is Dr. Chief-of-Staff's dog, Diva. Like Frida (Not Kahlo), she was a rescue who came in with a broken radius/ulna that her owners could not afford to fix. She was one of the first little dogs that I ever really liked, and she has helped open my eyes to the charms of little dogs (Dr. Chief-of-Staff says that, like me, she was exclusively a big dog person until she met Diva).

I love this photo because Diva's look seems to be saying, "You woke me up just to take a photograph? Seriously?!"

Also, I like it because it reminds me of Simon, who also loves to burrow under the covers, and who I have nearly sat on so many times when I sat down on my bed because I didn't notice the small lump of Simon under the covers.

(If you are wondering, I snapped this shot in the doctor's office. The last three shifts that I have worked I have been Dr. Chief-of-Staff's personal tech so I have spent a lot of time traipsing in and back from the floor to the doctor's office with updates, questions, lab results etc).

Yesterday: I Did Not Puke And I Did Not Sleep

I got back my physiology exam yesterday and did very well on it. Needless to say, I was immensely relieved.

It was my plan to not even look at the grade, and I told the professor this when he gave me my exam back, but he smiled and said, "Good score." So I knew it was OK. And in fact I was two standard deviations above the average, which means I got an A. I felt really dumb for having worried about it so much.

Yesterday morning I woke up at five thirty am, after having gone to bed at 1 am the night before. I was wide awake. Nightmares. So rather than lie in bed in the dark afraid, I got up and went swimming. It is the reverse of my normal schedule to watch the sun rise rather than set, but it was every bit just as beautiful to see the sky change from pitch black to light blue every time I turned my head to take a breath.

I went to school, came home, got in a run in the hills, and headed back to school. From my evening class I went straight to Slow Feet's naturalization party, to celebrate the Brit finally becoming an American citizen. Reminds me of how much I like my work friends. Here I am (on four hours sleep) with LaMexicana Dog Whisperer, The Brazilian Dancer and Slow Feet, graveyard nurse extraordinaire.


Today I got in another swim and run. I am really enjoying our warm weather. When I get far up in the hills, I take off my shirt and feel the warmth of the sun, the wind caressing my skin, and with all the birds, the quiet, the beautiful views of the valley, it is pretty much my idea of heaven. I think I derive a lot of emotional satisfaction from my connection to nature that others get from other people. I am going to be sad when it starts to rain. Every sunny day is a gift for me.

Well, I have to be up in just a few hours, and I have another very full weekend, so more later. Thanks to everyone who commiserated with me about my wait for the return of my exam and wrote me privately to express concern. It is touching.

Wanting To Puke A Lot Lately

For the past week and a half, every time I've gone to my physiology class I've felt like puking. Why? Because we are supposed to get our first midterms back any day now.

The funny thing is I wasn't all that nervous when I went in to take the midterm. I don't usually get nervous before tests-- I know I am a good student and I have confidence in my abilities. I knew the physiology material fairly well (considering I spent most of the first month of school doing little outside of class except filling out applications). The test went well. Of course, there were some things I didn't know, but I felt like I answered the majority of the questions well.

But somehow in the intervening weeks since taking the exam, I have developed increasing anxiety about how I did. I have this terrible fear that I flunked. I know that I am catastrophizing-- imagining the worst for no reason. I tell myself I've rarely flunked anything in my life (perhaps one quantum mechanics exam, but the average was so low I suspect even that I passed with my 11 out of 100... but that's another story). I've never, ever been remotely in danger of failing a class.

Yet no matter how much I try to reason through my fears intellectually, they persist as strong as ever. Darn emotions. Why don't irrational fears respond better to intellectual reasoning? Really, it annoys me so much when I can reason my way through something and find my emotions on the subject unchanged, it is like my heart just refuses to listen to my brain no matter how hard I try to bludgeon it into it.

So today I found out my exam will be ready tomorrow morning. It is among the last few to be graded. I haven't decided if I am going to pick it up or wait for L to get it for me so that I don't have to see the score, and she can tell me I did fine or break it to me gently if I didn't.

I think I have been so anxious over it because I know that I need a good grade in this class to achieve my goals for next year. And there are only three exams, and it is on a tough curve, so it counts for a lot. I hate when I am reduced to a grade or score on paper based on a few scant hours of my life. Last time I wanted to puke this badly was before I took the GRE a year ago. I almost puked all over the woman who checked me into the exam. And then I got phenomenally good scores. Go figure. But I still object to being reduced to a few numbers based on my performance during only three hours of my life. That simply can't be indicative of my talent. It can't capture me.

And I also want to puke when I hear that it looks like Prop 8 might pass and that gay marriage will become unconstitutional in CA. It seemed impossible that something like that could even be a real possibility. Why are people so closed minded? Who have I ever hurt by being gay?

And since I am a complete geek, I wonder why my stomach literally tenses when I get stressed. It's physiology folks, so I should be able to reason through that too. Flight or fight. Sympathetic nervous system. Adrenaline. Norepinephrine. Vasoconstriction of blood vessels in the digestive tract. That can't be the whole story, but I bet it is part of why I want to puke when my stress levels spike.

My Mom Would Be So Proud Of Me

For 30 years my mom has been trying to get me to wear pink and cook. For 30 years I have fought her tooth and nail.

Recently I have changed, but my mom does not live close enough to see it (hence this post).

I wear pink. Lots of pink. More than one person has complimented me on it being a good color for me.

I cook. I made banana bread this week (thanks to Eagle Eye's famous recipe) and it was a gigantic hit at the emergency clinic. I sautee vegetables. I even steamed broccoli this week. I have an Amish friendship bread starter that I am endeavoring to keep going.

What changed?

My gender identification has definitely shifted a little. Before I wanted to look tough because I knew I wasn't. Now I know I am so I feel comfortable dressing in a more feminine manner. I know that on the inside no one can take away my new found independence. It's the real deal. I can wrestle big, aggressive dogs; drive around at four in the morning; handle a new city; run in 100 degree heat and 100% humidity for over an hour. These things are not external, they are part of me. Before I felt vulnerable looking feminine. Now so much less scares me and I am confident enough to dress any way I want. (I tried to explain this to someone and she immediately got it, saying, "Clothing as armor!")

And maybe it is age too. With every passing year I am more comfortable in my own skin. I know myself. I know I am not an alpha (I'm a total omega). I'm not dominant. Yet I can often bluff quite effectively, at least with animals (and for short periods of time), when necessary. I've stopped trying to be what I'm not. It doesn't mean I can't be a leader. It doesn't mean I will let other people walk all over me. It just means that I accept myself for who I am and I am not fighting it. (I might add that I'm not saying that someone who is more of an alpha could not be very feminine, certainly Eagle Eyes and T are very much more alphas than me, and they are also more feminine in their gender expression than me. I think it causes a lot of problems when people conflate gender expression-- or gender performance is the term we would have used at Amherst-- with other traits that are considered feminine. I'm just trying to say that accepting myself makes it possible for me to dress as what feels like me).

As for the cooking, that is a more practical matter. For most of my life there has been someone to cook for me. First my mom (thanks mom, I know I was an incredibly picky eater as a kid). Then my college roommate (I think EB singlehandedly kept me alive through the rough spots in college-- me and D, her two high-strung companions). After college my ex-husband cooked for me and then my ex-girlfriend, M (in retrospect neither were particularly good cooks, but I can only say this now having learned finally to cook for myself). The past nine months there hasn't been anyone else to feed me but me. So I've had to learn. It actually hasn't been nearly as hard or as tedious as I feared. I did myself an enormous favor by taking a really good nutrition class for human nurses last winter following my break-up with M. That class taught me all the basics about how to feed myself in a healthy manner. The rest has been collecting recipes and experimenting. I learned a lot from watching other people in my research group's house this summer and I got a lot of tips from my aunt K. I'm well on my way.

Well, life is certainly full of surprises. Who would have ever predicted that I would someday fully embrace my femininity? Or that I would cook-- well enough that when I stop by the clinic for something, the first thing the receptionists ask is whether I've made anything for them to eat? (I know EB for one is still in shock over the whole cooking thing, and Sunshine is surprised to see me in dresses).

But don't get any ideas about grandkids, mom. That's not in the plans. Kids are anti-freedom and will annihilate an unencumbered lifestyle as surely as anti-matter will annihilate its particle counterpart.

When Public Transportation Fails

Today I went to San Francisco. Not wanting to drive when there is public transportation available, I decided to take Caltrain. Cuts down on the mileage I'm putting on my car, gives me time to study instead of having to focus on driving, and is good for the environment. Sounds like a good plan, right?

The train ride there didn't start off well, and quickly went from bad to worse. The train was jam packed. It's not like that when I ride it during the week. It was awful-- loud, hot, steamy, smelly. People sitting on the stairs, standing in the aisles.

Then the the train broke down just before Redwood city. The lights went out and air conditioning went off. We pulled into Redwood city and sat there for half an hour, sweating, before the conductor informed us that the engineer could not restart the engine and that we would have to get off and wait for the next train (they run every hour on weekends). About three hundred to four hundred people got off the train. Someone ahead of me flagged the one taxi waiting at the train station. There were no other taxis.

I asked the conductor what would happen if the next train was this full and we couldn't all get on. She said we'd have to wait for the train after that in that case. I decided then that I was getting a taxi, and began asking people on the platform if they wanted to share a ride and split the cab fare to San Francisco. Eventually a very nice Danish couple with two beautiful kids agreed. Then it was a matter of finding a cab, of which there were none. You'd think with that many people stranded there would be plenty of cabs, but no, there weren't any for several minutes. Weird for a train station, where there is usually a line of cabs no matter what is going on.

The cab cost me $30 and took forever. The traffic on the highway was bad and then the cab driver did not seem to know his way around San Francisco very well. Sigh.

The train ride back wasn't so bad. I arrived at six fifteen at the Caltrain depot in San Francisco and there was already a line for the seven o'clock train to San Jose. It seems there are often more riders than seats. So I stood in line for forty minutes, but got a great seat and the train had a smooth ride.

I don't know if I will take Caltrain again on the weekend. I will probably give it a second chance, but if it turns out anything like today that's it. Because today it really wasn't worth it.

Addendum:

I found out later that the people left waiting from my broken down train mostly made it on to the next train, but that about 120 people had to wait even longer for buses to San Francisco.

Last time my train was held up, in August, it was also because of a problem in Redwood city, which I found out yesterday was in fact a bank robbery, and the robbers got caught by the police on the highway!

Even An X-Ray Of Poop Can Be Beautiful

The detail on this radiograph that I took awhile back is stunning. I'm off to work. Finally caught up on sleep going into the weekend. I got in a nice run between school and work too, yay.

Disciplined Studying & Photographic Memory

I just spent four hours going over my physiology notes from today's one hour and fifteen minute lecture and turning them into flashcards (I know it is incredibly dorky, but I really do learn best by making and reviewing flashcards in my experience). It is hard to force myself to sit still for that long and focus, especially late at night when I am tired and just want to socialize or go to bed.

However, I know that if I can review the entire lecture before I go to sleep it will stick much better than if I do it another day. I discovered this my first year in college, when I was culled, along with a dozen or so other students, out of a class of 400 for the advanced introductory chemistry class our first semester. Not much of a gift in my classmates' eyes, it meant that instead of sitting in on an easy lecture with everyone else, I was competing against the other top students selected by their scores and high school course work in a course that was basically quantum mechanics (though at that point in my career I was much less into competing than the other students, who were mostly pre-med, whereas I was interested in research). I found quickly that if I reviewed my notes for just a few minutes after every class I could tap into a photographic memory. Exams were much easier when I could flip through my notes in my head. Saved me in that class for sure, though there was also lots of critical thinking (I still have nightmares about my first exam where our very first question was "Prove that orbitals are symmetrical"-- yeah, try to dredge up your calculus after a long summer break and a year abroad before starting college).

Since completing my bachelor's I've been pretty lazy about studying, and I wasn't even sure if I still had the ability to access a photographic memory until my first physiology exam, where I found myself flipping through pages of the book in my head (pretty neat, huh-- it certainly made my day). This physiology class is the first class I've taken in ages that has been graded on a curve, meaning I am competing with my classmates (who seem quite bright I might add), and also has an enormous volume of material. So I am forcing myself to be disciplined in my studying. The crappy part is I don't get out of class till almost seven pm, and I don't get home till close till eight, so Tuesdays and Thursdays are quite late nights, and then I have to be up around six am to get to my 8:30 am genetics class. Not exactly the most fun schedule, but I think the hard work will pay off in the amount of material I retain.

Oscar Also Finds Too Much Studying And All These Books To Be Soporific

Actually, I hate to say it but I think this is a prime napping spot because he likes the heat emanating from the power cord.

Enamored With Setters All Of A Sudden

Anyone who knows me well knows I am not that into purebred dogs, but that I have a definite soft spot for pitties. I love how friendly and happy they are. I also find that they tend to be pretty stable tempermentally, despite being overbred. And they are easy dogs to read, the untrustworthy pit bulls don't hide their fearfulness or aggressiveness, they are open books behaviorally.

Last year, I surprised myself by falling for a stunning male Belgian Malinois one of our vets rescued. His name was Travis and were my life more stable, I would have adopted him in a heartbeat. Malinois are often used as police dogs, and can be quite high strung, but Travis, in his rescuer's words, was "very sensible."

This weekend, on the beach in Bolinas, I found myself instantly smitten with an Irish setter youngster, all of 18 months. Ru was lean and beautiful, a running machine, but it was her personality and not her looks that did me in. Soft and so gentle, there wasn't a mean bone in her body. I asked to have my picture taken with her (below), which the owners thought was a little weird. (Later my birding instructor explained to me that most people want their photos taken with the beach in the background, a significant other or friend etc but not someone else's dog).

I've never paid much attention to setters as a breed, but come to think of it I've always been a big fan of Dr. Triathlete's English setter, Ferris (right below and top, me taking a break to hang out with Ferris-- don't ask me what it means that I have a million pictures of me in cages). Like Ru, not only is she beautiful (just look at that perfectly spotted face), but she has a winner personality. Gentle and easy going. She's well-trained too. And, best of all, like Ru she is a runner, and can even keep up with Dr. Triathlete on his long training runs, which would be too much for most dogs.

I will have to consider having a setter in my distant future. I think it would make me happy.

Sleep Deprived HT= Punchy HT: It's All Funny When I'm Overtired

So there are several possible outcomes to me being overtired, as I have been all week.
1. I can become hypomanic and talk super fast (my friend Sunshine has the best description of this)
2. I can become overly emotional and cry at the slightest provocation or thought of something sad
3. I can become punchy and find everything completely hilarious

Today it has been a combination of #1 and #3. A bit embarrassing to say the least.

In my physiology class, we were discussing how the membrane potential of myocardial cells and nodal cells changes during an action potential. It turns out (and it makes intuitive sense if you stop to think that your heart never stops pumping) that the nodal cells (sinoatrial node ie pacemaker) have no resting Vm (membrane potential). This is due to something called the funny current (If) which is a constant background Na (sodium) current that is always inward.

When my professor said that it was called the funny current, I burst out laughing. No one else in the entire 70 person class laughed, and most of them turned to look at me. Then there was dead silence for a few seconds. The professor paused and said, "Well someone named it the funny current because they thought it was funny too." As if that person was as much of a weirdo as me. I definitely felt awkward.

How My Weekend Actually Turned Out: Wild But Not What I Planned

So, my weekend did not go according to my plans. Flexibility is a wonderful thing. Balance and flexibility are what I strive to achieve these days, though I do not think it was a balanced weekend in any way unfortunately...

Friday I was supposed to go to San Francisco but I didn't. The person I was meeting up with bailed on me with no explanation and I had a last minute opportunity to go to a coyote release. Let's see-- art exhibit and concert vs seeing the release of six orphaned coyotes my friend C raised from pups? Not a very difficult decision.

I am in awe of C. She can handle wild animals better than anyone I know. Much, much better. Even so, catching six coyotes in a large enclosure had her in a sweat. (Does anyone else know of someone who can catch a half dozen coyotes or a half dozen foxes-- which can climb-- in less than fifteen minutes? I doubt it). Sadly, she'll probably never get the recognition or respect that she deserves because coyotes (and other predators) are not that popular, but she has my deepest admiration. Nevermind raising them from all of a pound to full grown without habituating them to humans. She's the expert-- from San Luis Obispo to San Francisco, she's the one that other rehabilitators send their coyotes to because she knows best. Mad props to you, C.

A coyote release is not the best place to get a picture of a coyote, so here is a gratuitous shot of a goodlooking coyote I saw in Point Reyes awhile back, followed by some shots of the area we released the coyotes in on Friday and the actual release (the coyotes are just blurry streaks).

We drove a long way to get the coyotes out of the city, where they are less likely to have problematic interactions with humans:


Looking out on the big, scary world before taking the plunge into new territory:


And here they are, heading for the hills:



After the coyote release I went for a long swim outdoors in the dark, studied a little and went to bed.

Saturday I got up early to go to Marin on a birding trip with my birding instructor and a group of her students. It was a beautiful day to be outside. The very first bird I saw was likely a golden eagle, perched on a fence by the side of the road as we were passing Palo Alto. We saw lots of other raptors and shorebirds but not that many passerines for reasons we don't entirely understand.

This is Bolinas Lagoon. In the bottom photo there are harbor seals in the foreground and brown pelicans behind them:



We ended the day at Hawk Hill, looking out over San Francisco. Beautiful, huh?

You'll never guess what I did Saturday night-- I went to work. It wasn't my plan, but I owed my friend Muscles a favor and he called it in, so I covered his shift for him. It's been a hard month for Muscles and he needed a break. I care about my co-workers and friends so very much, and so even though it wasn't my idea of the most fun way to spend my Saturday night (for example, in bed sleeping would have been much better), I did it for him.

I got off work around 3 am, and was up before 8 am, wide awake, so I did some studying, went to the farmer's market and then headed to Los Altos for a Wildlife Conservation Network fund raiser. Work was short several nurses due to illness so I got a call begging me to come in for the Sunday night shift. I had a pair of scrubs in the car, so I drove straight to work despite being tired and just wanting to do some studying and go to bed. I didn't have to go, but I don't like it when my co-workers are overwhelmed and it's not good for the patients either when we are short staffed.

So where was I at midnight last night? In surgery, sweating. I was off at midnight but at 11:15 Dr. Chief-of-Staff needed to take a cat with a foreign body GI obstruction to surgery and there was no one else signed off on anesthesia. It feels really good and flattering to be qualified to do the anesthesia and have the doctors' trust. On the other hand, I hadn't slept much the night before, am not familiar with all the new equipment in that hospital and hadn't done an anesthesia in five months so I felt a little trepidation about it (also I knew I had to be up early for school the next day...). Initially, it was a smooth anesthesia but then my monitors failed (no blood pressure readings, ack) and I had to move the patient partway through so the doctor had a better angle and it was a wee bit stressful. OK, I panicked and got Slow Feet to come in and help for a few minutes when she came on for her graveyard shift. But in the end it was fine and my patient had a smooth recovery, so I call that a success.

Two nights of five hours sleep in a row. It's time to go back to a more sustainable lifestyle.

I didn't do as much fun, new stuff as I wanted this weekend-- a Friday night with a long swim and going to work both Saturday and Sunday night is not breaking up my routine. But I did get to see my two mentors, C and my birding instructor, and any weekend where I get to spend time with two strong, independent women who are passionate about wildlife and their jobs is a good weekend in my book.

The Other Frida (Not Kahlo)

LaMexicana, who introduced me to Kahlo's work, named her dog Frida after the artist. She says she has liked Kahlo's work for as long as she can remember, from her earliest days growing up in Mexico.

Frida (Not Kahlo) came into the emergency clinic with a fractured radius/ulna that her owners could not afford to repair. She was going to be euthanized or sent to the shelter, but LaMexicana, who has a big heart and a thing for small dogs, rescued her. She has been in a cast all summer. First Dr. Triathlon reduced the fracture and pinned it. But when the cast came off, Frida (Not Kahlo) re-fractured it, much to everyone's chagrin. The second time Frida (Not Kahlo) didn't have surgery, she's just been in a cast ever since. It's due to come off soon, hopefully she will not re-fracture it a third time! (Perhaps Kahlo is not the best namesake for an animal given all of the artist's bone problems...)

The bottom photo is of Pete hanging out with Frida (Not Kahlo) one day when LaMexicana came over to visit me. Pete is notoriously dog aggressive but gets along well with Frida (Not Kahlo), it is really very sweet.

Men Hitting On Me & The Male Perspective

Last night a rather humorous exchange occurred between me and a stranger at the post office. (At least it was humorous to me, though I suspect I made him laugh too).

I went to check my mail after dark. I know it is not the brightest idea to check my PO box late at night because it is so deserted, though I have often gone after a shift at 2 or 3 am. Also my box is as far away from the door as possible so I'm essentially cornered there.

I walked in and there as a very large guy built like a bodybuilder with his back to me, filling out a form. He looked over his shoulder at me, looked me up and down, and went back to filling out the form. I checked my mail, and then walked out, half-keeping an eye on him. I noticed him look over his shoulder a second time, glancing at me, almost worriedly it seemed to me.

I couldn't figure it out. When I look a guy up and down in a deserted post office late at night, I am thinking, "Can I take him if he came at me?" and "Where is the nearest exit if I needed to bolt?" But if anyone was going to hurt anyone, he was going to hurt me. There is no way I was a threat to this man.

I stood at the door, chuckling to myself about his strange behavior, then asked him, "How come you looked over your shoulder at me like that twice? You look like you are worried about my presence but there is no way I could hurt you."

He laughed and said, "I looked twice because I think you are kind of cute."

I lauged too and said thanks and left. I told the story to my friend L this morning on the car ride to school (it's so nice to carpool :) and she said, "It's like a glimpse into someone else's mind."

I don't wish I were male, but it must be nice to be big and strong and not have to worry about someone assaulting you. I would really like that. I would run at night as much as I wanted and only look over my shoulder to check people out, not to calculate whether or not someone was a possible threat.
* * *
On a different note, I've been getting hit on a lot lately (only by men, of course, no one reads me as gay it seems). Mostly it is incredibly flattering to get the attention. Sometimes it is not so welcome. I've been talking back more lately though when I don't like it. I think I owe this to my time spent with Eagle Eyes this summer. When guys looked at her, she would often turn and say, "What are you looking at?" I remember the first time I ever did this-- I was carrying a bunch of mist net poles on my shoulder in 100 degree heat at noon and a young male worker in a hard hat was gaping at me with his mouth completely open. I looked at him, and said sharply, "What are you looking at, never seen a woman do physical labor before?" His buddies in hard hats all laughed at him and he turned his eyes away and mumbled, "Uh nothing." I felt ten feet taller.

The other day, this guy at the light rail station was looking at me very lasciviously without trying to disguise it and said something really crude about me being edible and I flipped him off. The minute I did it I regretted it because escalating a situation is rarely a good idea and for a minute I thought he was going to jump me. But I put some distance between us and stood my ground. When I got on the train, luckily he didn't follow.

The only way I can explain all the new attention is that I am really happy with my life, happy to be back near my friends, loving being in school, excited about my future and that people sense that. And the confidence, which causes me to speak my mind, often with humorous results.

I Have Been Looking Forward To This Weekend Since August.... Nearly There

Ever since I noticed that Edie Carey was playing in San Francisco and that it coincided with the deadline for my applications, I have been looking forward to this weekend as an endpoint of sorts and also a reward. The light at the end of the tunnel. Something fun to keep me motivated in the bleak days of application drudgery.

Today I took the last of my three midterms. The weekend is around the corner. I'm excited, but also exhausted.

Here's my jam packed schedule:

Friday: Leave genetics section around 1:30. Head home for a swim. Then to San Francisco. Hit the SF MOMA to see the Chinese modern art exhibit. Picnic dinner in Dolores park. Edie Carey at Dolores Park Cafe.

Saturday: 7:30 am meet in Campbell for a birding trip to Stinson beach, Bolinas lagoon and Hawk hill (all in Marin). Saturday night possible release at wildlife center.

Sunday: Volunteer at private fundraising event for Wildlife Conservation Network in Los Altos.

Work is desperate for me to pick up a Friday and Saturday night shift but I don't see how I can fit it in. I have to sleep sometime. And I am going to have fun before it is back to the grindstone. (Not that I didn't have fun last weekend swimming every night, running into LaMexicana at the pool, and doing dinner with T, but it was a more subdued weekend than this one promises to be).