Thanks to NY for accompanying me, and to Melissa for pouring out her heart and recapping her life and the lessons learned for all of us in the audience.
Here's a brief synopsis: Growing up in Kansas didn't teach her to express emotions. Interesting since her songs are so raw and intense. Next move, California. The song by this title off her newest album made me cry. I remember playing this song in my car when the album came out, turning the volume all the way up driving down remote stretches of winding road in the redwoods in the Santa Cruz mountains. I miss California. I love California.
In California, in her twenties, Melissa learned about relationships. She said, for those of you in your twenties, learn now. NY and I kind of groaned, both being 30 we felt a little old at that point because she wasn't talking to us!
Melissa was so funny, she said there should be a class on relationships for everyone in 7th grade. As in, "How is your relationship class going?" And then she said jokingly, "Get me the Department of Education on the phone!" Which was particularly funny because she was right in downtown DC!
She played "An Unexpected Rain" about unintentionally badly hurting a woman she had a brief relationship with but then left suddenly.
She said that after learning so much in the lesbian bars, she decided to go for a deeper, darker pain: non-monogamy. Bring me some water.
After that painful experience, she wanted to settle down and so picked someone completely unavailable-- straight and married. Come to your back door I just need to see you once more. Melissa told the audience to be careful what you ask for you as you will get it. And as they come into your life so shall they leave you. Or something like that. Referring to Julie.
Then the break-up. I'm the only one who will walk across the fire for you. Uh-huh. Find the power within when you reach that low point, leave the couch and the car, take your guitar and comic book collection and get out.
Once you get out, and you've been going in circles for so long, you might be shocked at how what once seemed monumental and overwhelming now seems easy, how life is so much happier and simpler. You might realize that the power was there within you all along to make choices leading to healthy relationships. I could leave tonight and I would be all right. Stop holding on if I wanted to. If I only wanted to.
Except where do I go now that I'm down to one? Sooner or later we all end up walking alone. Melissa related the not so fun aspect of re-entering the dating and bar scene except this time instead of being 30 she was 39. Thirty-what??????
She decided she didn't want love to be linked to pain and drama. Invest your heart and then you break it. You must be stronger than me. If someone else can light your mystery they must be stronger than me.
She asked the universe for love. She wanted someone with a heart of gold, strong, kind, and in opening herself up to this she did find a more peaceful, stable love (with Tammy). Begin Act 2, in her words.
And then cancer came knocking on her door and took her on a whole new journey. Confronting her worst fears made her Super Powerful. She realized no one understands what causes cancer, what makes cells go bad. But she feels that it has to do with the body being unbalanced, and the mind untrue, so she began to pay more attention to this. And in the process also realized the earth is like a larger body that needs to be taken care of. She started to advocate for the environment. I need to wake up now. Found a passion to change the world, fight for making the planet better. A drive, an idealism, a cause.
Read cosmology, Buddhist texts, etc and realized there was one real truth running through all of it. Love one another. All we can really do is love one another.
For me, hearing her rendition of her life story, as expressed in music and explained in the interludes was a transformative experience. I no longer see her as just an artist, or an environmental activist, or an out lesbian. I see her as a human being who has achieved through four decades on this planet a high level of both self-awareness and awareness of the interconnectedness of all beings. The following interchange occurred between NY and I:
Me (ecstatically, in awe): "She's had therapy."
NY: "Not necessarily."
Me (incredulously): "Oh yeah?"
So of course it is possible to get to that level of understanding on your own. But I feel like what Melissa was doing in this show that was so unusual and inspiring was analyzing her own life for all of us to share, to make others feel not so alone in their pain, to perhaps help the younger ones avoid some of the particularly heart wrenching blunders. Concert therapy. It could be a whole new genre.
Here are the lyrics that for some reason really struck a chord with me, from "Open Your Mind":
The grooves in my life were unforgiving
Over the years I laid them down night after night
Work-eat-sleep
Work-eat-sleep
Work-eat-sleep
Work-eat-sleep
Work-eat-sleep
Work-eat-sleep
Suffocating my delight I was dragged into the light
Into the stillness
Into the white hot flame of my deepest fears
And when I came crashing through
Humbled and true
I was better than I've been in years
The past few years of my life have been a time of personal growth. I got out of stifling, oppressive relationships and discovered so much about myself. Only to get into a groove in California. A good groove at the emergency clinic, but a groove nonetheless. This winter all I did was work, study, eat, sleep and sometimes run. Coming to DC has been the change necessary to shake it all up, open up my horizons and get me out of my comfort zone. It was a much needed change. I realize as much as I love California, this city is wonderful and has so much to offer that isn't available when living off a dirt road in the Santa Cruz mountains. I don't consider myself a city girl in any way, shape or form, but I've come to the conclusion I could live in a city for a few years, I think. Yes, there are many more possibilities out there than I realized prior to this spring. The world seems larger, and more hopeful. I am better than I've been in years.
Melissa closed with the encore of a song that isn't on her albums, "Not Tonight" and then Janis Joplin's "Piece of My Heart." Come on, come on, come on, take another little piece of my heart now baby. Wow. I never thought I'd get to see her perform that live, what a rush.
The concert was an emotional roller coaster. It made me think a fair amount of my ex, as she was a huge Melissa fan and the reason I got into Melissa's music in the first place. Some of the songs were triggers for me to re-visit my own dark places from last summer, fall and winter. Especially since I don't own any of Melissa's music, there were songs I hadn't heard since that break-up and hearing them brought back memories. Painful, sad memories, but also good to realize how far I have come and how I too am now making a conscious effort to avoid drama and pain. One of the best parts about being in DC initially was the geographic distance from my ex, not driving by places we ate together, not working at a job where everyone knew her. Getting away from those triggers allowed me to heal a lot more quickly, though a lot of the hard work was already done by the time I arrived in DC, being here sped up the process greatly. And I am happy with where I am now.
I can't wait to see Melissa again July 25 in Connecticut with my aunt. Yay for seconds on things you like.
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